Trigger Happily Ever After: The NRA’s Twisted Bedtime Stories

by Alyssa Spizzirro

Ever found yourself frightened, biting your nails as a child wondering, “what would have happened to grandma if Little Red Riding Hood had been packing?” Fear no more, the NRA has found fairy tale classics to not really be spot on in teaching children about morals and values. I mean really, Hansel and Gretel shouldn’t be gluttons talking to strangers and literally eating a house, but what’s missing from this story is that these children should be carrying a guns.

Deciding that they should reinvent everything that society is familiar with, the NRA’s insertion of guns into fairy tales has really altered my perception of the timeless reality of the imaginary world. Changing the narrative of the story entirely, the recently published versions of Little Red Riding Hood (Has a Gun) and Hansel and Gretel (Have Guns) are allegedly lessons in gun safety. I thought the first lesson in gun safety was keeping children away from rifles? What blows my mind is that Hansel and Gretel both have guns, but have to get their parents to help them lock the witch in a cage. Like they’re literally carrying guns, but they’re too afraid to lock a witch in a cage? There are some serious plot holes.

I’d like to share a personal favorite excerpt: “The wolf leaned in, jaws open wide, then stopped suddenly. Those big ears heard the unmistakable sound of a shotgun’s safety being clicked off. Those big eyes looked down and saw that grandma had a scattergun aimed right at him. He realized that Grandmother hadn’t been backing away from him; she had been moving towards her shotgun to protect herself and her home. “I don’t think I’ll be eaten today,” said Grandma, “and you won’t be eating anyone again.” Grandma kept her gun trained on the wolf, who was too scared to move.“ In this universe, the wolf is evil but doesn’t have a gun since his mouth is like a sword, I guess. I don’t know why the NRA doesn’t give the bad guys guns, I find that to be a little too unrealistic. What happens next here is super juicy though. Red walks through the door and instead of shooting the wolf, they decide they’re going to tie him up. See? The NRA isn’t promoting violence. They’re simply inserting their agenda into innocent fairy tales to educate children. A thankless crusade, might I add. The youth vote is ruining everything.

Image from the NRA

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