Lift with your Crotch, Cook-y Puss

by Intern Brooke Connolly

Last week, I read a few articles in relation to results from a recent Australian Hotel Association (AHA) survey, revealing that women are consistently more likely to pilfer than men. Millions of dollars a year in the hotel industry, are lost to theft; from tiny soft face towels, to larger items like statues. Essentially, anything not nailed down.

This data from a segment of the hotel industry, got me thinking about theft- the illegal taking of another person’s property without that person’s freely-given consent. (Holy banana tits, it’s a wonder my parents haven’t yet taken me to the People’s Court.) So, what I wanted to explore, was if women do in fact steal more than men.

But, where to start with stealing?- stealing soap, stealing hearts, stealing men, stealing kisses from me on the sly, stealing beauty, stealing women’s underwear by breaking into their homes and you’re the mayor, stealing leggings designs for more coke money and you’re Lindsay Lohan. Too many types of stealing, so I decided to look at statistics of retail stealing.

My foray into investigative journalism, found that the numbers on shoplifting are pretty much across the board when it comes to age, race, sex, social and economic background, this all according to the National Crime Prevention Council. Ok, so women don’t shoplift more. But, they do shoplift. So, what about getting into the psychology behind shoplifting women? I read that psychologists agree, “…women shoplifters generally feel underloved and underappreciated-usually by husbands, sometimes by parents, occasionally by children. Getting something for nothing gives them a feeling of power….” Holy Shit. What am I getting us into?! We just don’t have the man-made time to get into this, not in easy-to-read blog form. We just don’t have the time.

While exploring other topics on the subject matter to cover, I learned about the different tactics reportedly used by women to steal.  Did you know about Crotch Walking? Taken directly from- Associated Shoplifting Statistics and Tactics, explains it as, “Crotch walking is a theft tactic that is cleverly performed by women. They simply wear a full dress or skirt into the store; place an item between their thighs, and walk out of the business like it is any other normal shopping day. Women with stronger thighs have been known to shoplift larger ticket items like electronics.” 

Amazing Tactic
. To think I could have been using my “stronger thighs” to simply carry things, all these years. This tactic could surely be used outside of the robbery business. Now, I’m thinking of all the money I wasted! I never needed to hire moving men. I just needed to carry heavy things, differently. I always thought, lift with your knees. No. Lift with your crotch.

(click of the loudspeaker at Kohl’s)
!ATTENTION! “crotch walking” woman on aisle 5- get that microwave out of your vagina. GGGggurrrlll!!!….. You gone’go-an cook yo pussy. …was that a ‘ding’ I just heard coming from inside your body?…Did you just make popcorn???

Headline reads: Stronger Thighed Woman Poaches Microwave-Cooks Puss. Your friends now refer to you as, Cook-y Puss.


photo courtesy:
Tammy Jones, Female Bodybuilder, Super Thighs

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