Last night I was taking a shower with my long-term fuck buddy and he dropped a bomb on me. Roll this way to hear my tale.
I liked this guy a lot (hence why I keep him around for two years, can that really be how long its been?) but I was totally cool with both of us seeing other people for two reasons:
1. I was not ready for a full time boo
2. He traveled often and for long periods of time and if I am not ready for a boo I am most defiantly not trying to have a long distance boo
He had just gotten out of a real long-term relationship and so it seemed like the perfect set up. We were pretty open about our other trysts. Him, more so then me; I try to only supply info if asked or if it seemed pertinent. He on the other hand would volunteer up this info. I have more then once told him I would rather not know about these girls since I wont get all jelly if I convince myself I am way tighter then any other lady he brings around and he would always rather be hanging out with me if given the choice. I am totally cool with being in the band, I just refuse to play second fiddle, know what I’m saying?
So last night in the shower, why I am brushing my teeth, he casually says that he thinks he is falling in love with this other girl he is seeing. I turned around all frothy mouthed and shocked, ‘are you fucking serious, you’re bringing this up in the shower’. Playa please, you might as well have pulled a Skipper and broke up with me while you were still inside me while talking to Miranda on the phone. (Side note, can I call it a break-up if we weren’t really going out?) He then had the balls to say she said it was fine if he still hooked up with other girls. Ummmm, is this suppose to make me feel better. That is a very far cry from the ideal open relationship I had let myself believe we were in. He was flat out asking me to play second fiddle; I am a motherfucking first chair violinist! Did he expect me to be stoked I was getting charity fucks? I can fill the space you left in my horizontal dance card just fine thank you. Mama don’t need no handouts, if that was the case I would go to the one-night-stand soup kitchen aka Union Pool. So after he makes this totally insulting statement all I can do is repeat, ‘In the shower son? Really?’. I jumped out of the shower and told him he could sleep on the couch and went upstairs to tear up a little. I really did like this guy, but my main issue was with his last sentence. It’s a fact that I have a very active sex life but hoes got feelings too. You may not be able to make a hoe a housewife but that doesn’t mean you can just toss us around like used condoms. Am I right labies?
When I told this story to the office Tara yelled, you should have pooped on him! Looking back I totally should have. She was referencing a time when I had insanely bad cramps and the runs like crazy. I was washing my old boyfriends bacne and thought I was going to fart. Sadly, it was not just a fart. While rubbing his back I tried to push the poo down the drain with my foot while telling him that I loved him between giggles. Of course the jig was up and when he looked down he screamed like a lil’ bitch and fell out of the shower. I should have totally pooped on this dudes feet. You shit on my heart; I shit on your feet. I’m totally going to listen to Ebony Bones ‘Don’t Fart On My Heart’ now.
Am I wrong or is the shower a totally inappropriate place to break this news? Make me feel better ladies, what are some other totally inappropriate ways you’ve been dumped?
