According to BuzzFeed, a woman posted on the /r/relationships subreddit with some concerning news about her marriage. While on her way to the airport for a business trip, the woman’s husband emailed her a spreadsheet that detailed their sexual activity since early June. For the past month and a half, the husband was recording the response his wife would give when he asked for sex; if she responded with a no, he would provide what the excuse was for her no.
“I opened it up, and it’s a sarcastic diatribe, basically saying he won’t miss me for the 10 days I’m gone,” she posted (though the post has since been deleted). “Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since 1 June, with a column for my ‘excuses’, using verbatim quotes of why I didn’t feel like having sex at that very moment.
The entire thing was creepily intricate and completely abusive. I assume the point of this dude’s spreadsheet was to document how little his wife wants to engage in sexual relations with him, but honestly, all I see is abuser dynamics. Mainly, since women don’t really owe men anything. Even if they are married.
There is a perception that we all have of marriage – that no matter what, we should abide by what one of the spouses wants because the relationship is forever and there are vows. However, most of the time, it ends up being that in a heterosexual marriage, the woman is not complicit enough – and a lot of times it’s because she won’t have sex with the man whenever he wants. If you scroll down to the comments section of any article reporting this story, you see TONS of people with very ill-thought out arguments that read something like, “Well, it’s a marriage. It goes both ways.” Problem is – this is a really abusive standard to have.
Domestic abuse cases are rampant. ESPECIALLY those where the abused is a woman. To keep track of each time your wife has sex with you, and then send her the information as soon as she leaves as a, “well I’m not going to miss you because you never sleep with me,” message is abusive. You are literally attempting to force her to have sex with you – and rape is not something that is part of a marriage.
Women and wives don’t owe sex to anyone, regardless of relationship status to the one asking for it. Stop telling women that they have to comply to standards that literally cause post-traumatic stress disorder, and start reevaluating these “needs” that you claim you cannot help. These things are not innate, they are spread through socialization.
Photos via mutantminds.com, BuzzFeed, and Mic.com.
