Sippin’ on Fizzy Juice, Laid Back

by Bridgette Miller

When Just Chill sent the BUST office a few cans of their “Tropical Chill”-flavored stress-relieving elixir, we were all pretty curious, but I was especially eager to test it out.  I’m running on too little sleep, working two jobs, and my left eye has been twitching for like, two weeks.  

“Do you have a boss?” the promotional insert asks. Yes, I have a lot of bosses! “Are you human?” Barely, but yes! “Then you have stress!” I do! It’s okay for me to admit that!  I am human!  The can adds, “Why sit on a mountain top in Tibet when one sip of JUST CHILL gives you Instant Enlightenment? JUST CHILL…The natural enemy of stress.”  Oh, well, when you put it that way….

I cracked open the can.

I worried it would either be like that time I drank a 5-Hour Energy and my entire body turned bright red and I felt like I had doll eyes so I had to move my head to blink, or that I would instantly slump over at my desk and start snoring. I hoped it would be like that time my college roommate gave me a “vitamin” that turned out to be Adderall and I did my laundry, painted a Chuck Close-style self-portrait, and walked a mile and a half to get a slice of cheesecake all in one night. I imagined all of the BUST staffers would get weird and order a pizza and it would be exactly like this:

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But it wasn’t like that at all! I gulped down the entire can in like, two minutes and didn’t immediately vomit out of my nose.  It was very fizzy and vaguely fruity, like watered-down ginger ale with some berry flavor. It is exactly the color of a well-hydrated piss; while that might be a dealbreaker for some, it’s better than the neon yellow of Red Bull that just screams “This will give you diarrhea!” It was certainly not the worst thing I have ever swallowed in my life. Just Chill is 100% natural and contains a bunch of stuff that isn’t bad for you, like Gingko Biloba, Zinc, Vitamins B and C, lemongrass,  Siberian ginseng (exotic! Used to increase strength and stamina! For one brief and embarrassing moment I wondered if the Siberian tiger was named after this stuff!) and L-theanine, an amino acid also found in green tea that supposedly increases dopamine (read: shiny happy) levels. I kind of liked it.

And then this happened:


Yes, I am wearing a Halloween sweater several days before Halloween.

Just kidding, nothing happened! I didn’t even get diarrhea (well, yet). My face started to feel warm and I freaked out, remembering the 5-Hour Energy niacin flush debacle, but I think I’m just sitting really close to a lamp.  I considered running a battery of tests to see how my stress, stamina, and focus were affected, but (oddly enough) no one had a blood pressure cuff, I didn’t have any crazy organizational tasks to do, and it seemed dangerous to spin around on a softball bat and then run around the office.  Instead, I just sat down at my desk and wrote this review.  I only checked Facebook once, and the only notification I had was a message from my fellow intern Casey that said, “I do feel very calm. I guess it’s working?”

I guess so. I feel pretty good, albeit sort of gassy and I’m acutely aware of my hair’s presence on my head, but maybe I’m just insane? It feels nice? I don’t know, man. I’m just trying to “Live Above the Noise.”

If Just Chill sounds like your cup– er, can– of tea– er, “dietary supplement”– find out where you can get some. ($48 for a 24-pack)

Just Chill photo via Discovery Channel online (???!!!)

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Founded in 1993, BUST is the inclusive feminist lifestyle trailblazer offering a unique mix of humor, female-focused entertainment, uncensored personal stories, and candid reporting that tells the truth about women’s lives.

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