The 9 Things We’ll Miss The Most About Our Ex-Boyfriend Paul Ryan

by Hannah Matthews

The things we’ll miss the most about our ex-boyfriend Paul Ryan:

1) The deep and tranquil pools of his blue eyes as he voted to reauthorize a warrentless spying program as part of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act.

2) The ripple of his powerful — yet somehow also delicate — forearm muscles as he voted to make concealed-carry firearm permits valid across state lines.

3) The intoxicating sheen of his dark hair under the House Floor’s bright lights, as he voted to deny millions of children basic healthcare.

4) The handsome cut of his jaw in motion as he voted to systematically execute the poor and feed the rich their blood from diamond-encrusted champagne glasses.

5) The pearly white flash of his pristine, even-toothed smile as he kicked all of those helpless newborn puppies and kittens over the side of that cliff into the ocean, chuckling softly to himself, and then supported the construction of the Keystone XL Pipeline.

6) What I assume to be the calming and dulcet tones of his voice, as he stood silently and cheerfully by cheerfully by in order to passively allow his party’s presidential candidate to say horrifically racist and/or misogynist things (and then voted to elect him president).

7) The alluring REM-cycle flutter of his lush eyelashes as he slept soundly, innocent and peaceful as a pure and unburdened infant, safe and warm in his mother’s lap, on the evening after he cast his “yea” for both the Defund Planned Parenthood Act of 2015 and the Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act (and on each of the other 50+ occasions on which he voted to take away the constitutional right to an abortion).

8) The blinding glint of his American flag lapel pin as it reflected the flames of our burning nation, climbing higher and higher into the sky as our society descended further and further into the chaos of his own design, while he voted against reform or regulation of banks.

9) The gaping, formless, sexually alluring void that was, in the end, his utter lack of principles or a working human conscience.

top photo: Paul Ryan’s official photo, via Commons

More from BUST

Samantha Bee: The Republican Healthcare Bill Is “The Trickle Down Of Rich People’s Urine”

Politically Correct: A Guide To US Government

Don’t Get Mad, Get Elected: How To Launch A Political Campaign

You may also like

Get the print magazine.

The best of BUST in your inbox!

Subscribe to Our Weekly Newsletter

About Us

Founded in 1993, BUST is the inclusive feminist lifestyle trailblazer offering a unique mix of humor, female-focused entertainment, uncensored personal stories, and candid reporting that tells the truth about women’s lives.

©2023 Street Media LLC.  All Right Reserved.