Dr. Carol Queen answers the questions you wanted to know about sex but were waiting for someone else to bring up. In this edition, she talks about what to do when your partner’s drive disappears and how to decide if you’re going to go for a threesomes. Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it at bust.com/sex!
Q: I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years now. Everything’s awesome, except for one thing: he never wants to have sex anymore! We used to have sex at least three or four days a week; now I’m lucky if I can get him in the sack once a month. I always have to initiate sex, and I’m constantly being rejected. Lately, I feel like the only time he wants to have sex is if we’ve gone out and we’re both a little buzzed. I had a serious talk with him recently, where I broke down and told him how I felt. He told me that he doesn’t know what happened to his libido, and that he hasn’t even been jerking off or watching porn. I don’t know what to do to get him back into the swing of things: I need sex back in my life. I want to marry him, but not if it’s going to stay like this! What should I do? –In Need of Some Lovin’
A: It’s not clear that you are the one who has to do something. He should maybe see a doctor, though, one who knows something about sexuality and libido. There are a number of ailments that have sexual desire in their crosshairs; it isn’t a sure thing, but a flatlining libido sometimes sends a message about the person’s health. He needs a good, thorough physical, and he needs to tell the doctor about this change.
Here are some things that screw up libido besides the possibility of some sort of illness: 1) medications like anti-depressants; 2) traumatic sexual experience in a person’s past; 3) in the case of fellas, erectile problems that scare him so much that he just stops “going there”; 4) changing gender identity; 5) freaking out about relationship responsibilities; 6) boredom with monogamy (but if he’s really not masturbating or porn-ing, I don’t think that’s part of the scenario); 7) hella stress.
It’s interesting that when you’re buzzed, he gets back in the groove. That suggests he’s troubled by an issue, but enough booze covers it up. So he should get a physical first, and see a psychotherapist second. If he doesn’t have the will to get to the bottom of this, I would not recommend marrying him.
Q: My boyfriend wants to have a threesome, but I don’t know if I’m ready for it. I’m all for having some fun with a girl, but I’m the jealous type, so I don’t know how I’d react if we actually went through with it. I don’t want him to see the other girl again after it’s over, and he says he’s OK with a one-night-stand situation, but I’m still nervous. How do you pick a third? And if I decide to go through with it, are there any threesome-centric toys we can bring into the mix? –Green-Eyed Monster
A: If you don’t live out in the sticks, you can probably find a swing party somewhere (check out the North American Swing Club Association at nasca.com). When you go, you’ll find bunches of people who want to get frisky but who don’t particularly want to attach themselves to your relationship. Venues like these are easy ways to explore your curiosity, but before you go, you and your guy should discuss your hopes, fantasies, and boundaries. What will your communication look like if one of you gets overwhelmed and would like to withdraw? Think of a verbal (or other) sign that means, “I gave it a shot—we need to check in or leave now.” Decide on your safe-sex strategies up front, also. It’s common among swingers that the women approach each other initially, so look for a gal you can feel good about. And if you two have extra dough and live in an area with sex workers who advertise, the easiest way to assure your threesome babe isn’t going to stay in your lives is to hire her. Before you give her your address, ask her if she’s bisexual.
Since you’re a little worried about how this is gonna play, especially after the blessed event, you should not pick someone you know—unless you have an acquaintance who everyone knows is a rowdy threesome babe who doesn’t even want to muck around in your relationship. But before you check out any potential third partner, ask about her relationship status, interest in finding a person or couple to get closer to, and so on.
Your question about toys suggests that you might really be up for this, if the jealousy problem can be handled. Well, any vibrator that fits between two people can be fun to wield, and make every sexual position your own by snaking your hand in between bodies. And, of course, a threesome is an awesome time to bring out your strap-on dildo. Choose your toys as the evening’s whim dictates, and don’t forget the lube.
Now here’s a note for your boyfriend: Your lovely gal is actually taking seriously your [very common] fantasy, so don’t screw it up by ignoring her and focusing your hotness on the threesome babe. Encourage the gals to have fun, and cheer them on. Consider the threesome babe an optimal voyeur while you do your best Olympic-medal lovemaking with the woman you’re actually going home with.
Carol Queen is a staff sexologist at Good Vibrations
Illustration: Marcellus Hall
This story originally appeared in BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!
