Magic Mike: America’s Bachelorette Party

by Eliza C. Thompson

If you are a human with access to the internet, you are probably aware that Magic Mike premiered this weekend. You are probably also aware that it involved mostly naked men, several of whom are very, very good-looking, and one of whom is a very excellent dancer. But here’s the thing–did you also know that there’s a thing called pornography? Because that exists, too, and if you’re into naked dudes, you should probably just watch that instead. 

Never in my life have I seen so many women lined up to see a movie–and this is coming from someone who has seen every Twilight film at midnight. These ladies were dressed to the nines like they were going to the club, and most of them were wasted. 

Unfortunately, very early on, it became clear that pretty much everyone in the theater was disappointed: Magic Mike is THE WORST. First of all, there’s not even that much nudity. Zero full-frontal, and ass shots of basic-cable level brevity. This is a movie about STRIPPERS, so let’s see some peen, Soderbergh. Secondly, the plot is awful. I’ll be honest, I was drunk and don’t really remember much except something about moving to Miami and artisanal furniture. But who cares? STRIPPERS. Do you think Showgirls would be the cinematic masterpiece it is if Nomi Malone had been trying to start a jewelry business on the side? 

The worst part, though, was every female character–particularly Alex Pettyfer’s sister Cody Horn, who was of course also Channing Tatum’s love interest. I refuse to call anyone by their characters’ names because they are irrelevant. When you see Matthew McConaughey in a leather vest, do you think, “Oh yes, that’s Dallas?” No, you think, “That’s Matthew McConaughey in a leather vest.” But I digress. The point is that Cody Horn was perhaps the biggest boner killer to ever grace a movie screen. She complained about everything–the stripping, the drug use, the nudity. I fail to see the issue with having a boyfriend who is JACKED AS HELL and an AMAZING DANCER who knows how to do a CHOREOGRAPHED STRIPTEASE to Ginuwine’s “Pony.” I guess she was mad because Channing brought her little bro into the mix so he could make tons of cash being super hot? I told you: boner killer. 

But it was sort of cool that tons of women went to see Magic Mike because they wanted to see hot guys get naked. Equal opportunity objectification, or whatever. Except not really, because this movie was all incoherent plot and no gratuitous sex. Give us our Wild Things, Hollywood! We are begging you. And in the meantime, ladies of the world, just watch some porn. I promise it’s a lot more satisfying than Magic Mike

Please note: there are butts in the trailer below, so if your boss frowns upon looking at butts while on the clock, consider it NSFW:

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Photo via MTV


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