Dinner with the Palins: Snaps to Bristol!

by Lisa Kirchner

In national news Bristol Palin is on the hot seat for receiving a $14,000 speaking fee from Lifehouse, a home for unwed mothers in Louisville, Kentucky. I’m thinking back home they’re loving her. Well, most of them are anyway.

Willow: “Where’s mom?”

Todd: “Would you pass the venison please, dear?”

Piper: “Yeah, where’s mom?”

Bristol: “She’s not coming.”

Track: “But you asked everyone to come. Even I’m here.”

Bristol rolls eyes. Sighs: “Whatever. Mom’s going to call.”

Todd: “Honey I’m so proud of you for supporting Lifehouse, and your family.”

Bristol: “Thanks, Daddy. Can I borrow your car?”

Bristol’s cell phone rings. 

Todd: “That must be her now. Put it on speaker.”

But Bristol holds up one finger, puts it to her lips. “Hi Greta,” she says. “Mmm hmm. Hmm. Yeah. Hmm. Okay. Well, I can’t really talk right now. Yeah, I’ll call ya back. OK, bye.”

Track: “No way, was that Greta van Susteren?”

But before she can answer, Todd’s cellphone rings. He looks at it. “Oh, that’s her now.” He presses the speaker button and puts the phone in the middle of the table, right next to the casserole dish of scalloped potatoes. Before he can speak she starts.

Sarah: “I’m so peeved I could just spit. Do those people know how many seats they’re gonna have to sell at 125 bucks a pop just to break even? What are they, Democrats?”

Todd: “Honey, you’re on speaker.”


Sarah: “Hi ever’body!”

Everybody: “Hi, Mom.”

Bristol: “So you think it’s too much, too? Mom, you make like $100,000 per appearance. What is the deal? I don’t get it. I read somewhere even Carrot Top makes like $20,000. I mean, I have a message.”

Sarah: “Oh honey of course you do. And I’m thrilled you’ll be taking your message to this beautiful center for these poor unfortunate women.”

Piper: “Mom you’re on speaker, not on camera. That place houses, what, like 6 people? Even if they do earn enough to double their size, they’re not gonna exactly solve the unwed mother problem.”


Sarah: “Honey, have you been reading the New York Times again? I told you not to read that stuff. It’s all lies!”

Willow: “Mom that’s just numbers. How can that be a lie?”

Sarah: “You can make numbers say anything you want.”


Todd tries to make a joke: “Yeah, what are you. Democrats?”

Everybody: “Shut up, Todd.”

You may also like

Get the print magazine.

The best of BUST in your inbox!

Subscribe to Our Weekly Newsletter

About Us

Founded in 1993, BUST is the inclusive feminist lifestyle trailblazer offering a unique mix of humor, female-focused entertainment, uncensored personal stories, and candid reporting that tells the truth about women’s lives.

©2023 Street Media LLC.  All Right Reserved.