In the afterlife:::you could be headed for the serious strife

by Intern Brooke Connolly

According to
…”Archaelogists in Egypt have uncovered a 3,500-year-old ‘door to the afterlife’ belonging to the tomb of a high-ranking royal advisor to a female pharaoh.

The 175cm red granite false door, the likes of which were found in most ancient Egyptian tombs, was built to take the spirits of the dead to and from the afterworld.

The door is covered in religious texts and heiroglyphics and came from the tomb of User, the chief minister of 15th century ruler Queen Hatsheput…”

Queen Hatshepsut, who ruled Egypt between 1479 BC and 1458 BC, was the longest reigning female pharaoh. How cool is that? I had no idea modern times were well, so totally behind the times.

Questions I will have for what/who is behind the afterlife door:
1. Were we supposed to eat the animals?
2. When I helped 90-year old, Lucille, pick out an appropriate pair of stockings in the CVS, because she was clearly struggling with her magnifying glass- did that count towards anything? (The Golden Rule was right, right?)
3. Did you give me skin cancer at the age of 27, so I could teach other people the importance of using sunscreen at a young age? (loverheads-seriously, use sunscreen) Or, did you just want to test the science of replacing noses with ears. Either way, I have always felt a kinship to Michael Jackson.
4. Unexplainable theatre of the mind when we sleep- PLEASE EXPLAIN.
5. Why do some diseases turn into pandemics? (jk, only nerds care about that).
6. Can my iPhone come in?
7. Can I please go back as a ghost and haunt things- I already have a nice hallow picked out.
8. What are the secrets to whiter teeth?
9. When I was on the verge of what felt like a panic attack that one summer day while driving cross-country thru that brown-flat-pooball state of Nebraska (i love your steaks)- was that double rainbow I then saw in front of me: A. totally random B. a sign of encouragement to keep forging ahead east towards Jerz, or C. confirmation that I’m bisexual,…cause I’m still confused.
 10. I thought the ‘Nannerpuss’ campaign was brilliant. What did you think?
ARTIST: Squirrel Nut Zippers TITLE: Hell

In the afterlife
You could be headed for the serious strife
Now you make the scene all day
But tomorrow there’ll be Hell to pay

People listen attentively
I mean about future calamity
I used to think the idea was obsolete
Until I heard the old man stamping his feet

This is a place where eternally
Fire is applied to the body
Teeth are extruded and bones are ground
Then baked into cakes which are passed around

Beauty, talent, fame, money
Refinement, top skill and brain
But all the things you try to hide
Will be revealed on the other side

Now the D and the A and the M and the N
And the A and the T and the I-O-N
Lose your face, lose your name
Then get fitted for a suit of flame

photo courtesy: Associated Press

You may also like

Get the print magazine.

The best of BUST in your inbox!

Subscribe to Our Weekly Newsletter

About Us

Founded in 1993, BUST is the inclusive feminist lifestyle trailblazer offering a unique mix of humor, female-focused entertainment, uncensored personal stories, and candid reporting that tells the truth about women’s lives.

©2023 Street Media LLC.  All Right Reserved.