Case Closed (?): Ted Cruz Is The Zodiac Killer

by Courtney Bissonette

The Internet seems to have finally solved a cold case that has been open for over 45 years: The Zodiac Killer is Ted Cruz. Evidence: his eyes.

The conclusion started as a rumor last month by way of Twitter poll. Since then, activist Tim Faust began using this gem of a conspiracy theory to advocate against Cruz by selling shirts that provide damning evidence that the two men are in fact one person.

According to Broadly, Faust is using the money raised by the T-shirts to help fund the actual victims of the Ted Cruz rampage: the women in Texas who are in desperate need of reproductive care due to the Targeted Regulation for Abortion Providers. Cruz has successfully advocated to shut down dozens of reproductive health clinics across the nation. So far, Faust has raised nearly $30,000 for West Fund, a non-profit that helps pregnant women in El Paso, Texas access affordable abortions.

When asked how he came to the killer conclusion, Faust responded, “Ted Cruz is a terrifying monster. You know who else was a monster? The Zodiac Killer, who claimed to have killed 37 people in the Bay Area. Ted Cruz has never denied being the Zodiac Killer. The conclusion is simple—and Ted Cruz has never publicly refuted it.”

It’s irrefutable. Though you might be thinking the timelines are off, Cruz most likely just lied about his age, as well as sold his soul to the devil in order to keep that ever-youthful Grandpa munster look. 

The shirts are being sold for $15.00

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Social media has taken fondly to this smear campaign and has provided hours of entertaining evidence to further prove the accusations against the cold-blooded killer. A political poll is even asking Florida voters if Cruz is the Zodiac Killer.

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Further evidence in case is provided

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The majority of the Zodiac Killer’s victims were shot. Teddy loves guns.

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He even has a sick nickname for the corpses of the victims that he killed. Tell ’em Ted! 

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He’s an expert in what kills people. 

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Even Chris Christie and Jeb know to avoid interaction. 

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So what do you think? Is the Zodiac Killer dead or is the Zodiac Killer Ted? 

Ted Cruz Mephistopheles


More from BUST

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A Teenaged Ted Cruz Talks Life Goals: World Domination And Teen Tit Films

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