Don’t be a weiner! Here are some rules about how to send hot texts to your lady friend without disrespecting her or making your wang look wack.
1. Flatter her. A text that says, “I can’t stop thinking about your _____” is always welcome. (That is, if you’ve spent intimate time together. If you haven’t, then don’t send this.) It can be anything: your butt, your neck, your kisses, your apartment, your dog, anything at all. Just make sure you spell it correctly. It’s your, not “you’re.”
2. Don’t send a pre-mature dick pic. And by that I mean, don’t just spring a picture of your genitals on someone at random. There’s gotta be a mood established. And be sure to get permission or at least be very certain she is open for dicks in her inbox.
3. Don’t be an objectifying douchebag about it. By this I mean don’t demand n00ds of her if she’s not down to share. Duh. And don’t assume that just because you were so generous with your peen pix that she’ll be equally eager with her bod.
4. Do set the mood in style. MLA style. Just kidding, but really, don’t abbreviate or talk lyk dis u kno wat i mean? Not sexii.
5. Take a trip down memory lane by reaching into your mental spank bank for some mood-setting material. By this I mean that if you’re not sure how to bring it up, start talking about a particularly hot time you guys have had in the past. Remembering how fun that was can make your partner want more and get her feelin’ hot hot hot!
6. No flash in your dick pic! Do it in daylight or candlelight or something moody. Put a blur filter on it if necessary. It shouldn’t look like a mug shot of your shwang.
7. Skip out on the close-ups. You know that shot from below the penis, facing up? We can’t see shit. It’s a nice alternative to staring at your feet and all, but if we don’t know what’s going on, why bother? Plus we’d like to see what’s above your junk too, like if you have ab cuts or something. Yeah, that might just be enough, sans shlong. Or maybe a side shot of your boner. Yeah, don’t forget that it should be HARD. Nobody gets hot and bothered by a flacid . Nobody.
8. R-E-S-P-E-C-T! If a lady is nice enough to share a sexy photo of herself with you, it’s for your eyes only! Unless she explicitly says it’s cool, you should enjoy them on your own time, not with your bros.
Photos via Comedy Central, SomeEcards, Imgur, and EyeSanity
published July 30, 2013