This weekend, amidst my hectic schedule of clicking “Next Episode” on Netflix, I was introduced to the app ThirdLove. The just-launched app promises to fit the user for the perfect bra. I have been fitted for a bra in the past–a Victoria’s Secret “professional” with a measuring tape and really cold hands curtly informed me I had a wide back and small boobs. But hey, my bras fit.
Nevertheless, I was intrigued by ThirdLove. Thanks to all the reported “science” behind the project, ThirdLove ensures that with a few simple taps, the days of pinched backs and awkward cup room are over! Plus, the whole idea is really weird and who doesn’t like to do really weird things when they’re alone, full of Cheetos, and just watched an entire season of House of Cards?
That’s what I thought.
I opened the app and was greeted by lovely, simple design and smart graphics. There was no Comic Sans in sight, so things seemed off to a good start. The app promptly instructed me to take pictures of my chest area. This was to be done wearing a bra, with the option of wearing a tank top as well. I stealthily headed into the bathroom and locked the door, prepared to sacrifice my last scraps of dignity for the sake of potential boob comfort.
The app asked for two pictures, one from the front and one from the side. As a member of the selfie generation, I winced at the unflattering angles and lack of “Sierra” filter, but I bravely continued on for the sake of science!
“Hurry up in there!” my roommate started calling through the door. “What’s taking so long?” I hadn’t realized I had already sacrificed ten minutes to the “science” of letting my iPhone make decisions about my mammary glands.
“I’m uh…doing a thing for school!” I called as I hastily snapped the last two pictures and nearly dropped my phone in the toilet.
Once safely back in my bedchamber, I uploaded the pictures (sans filter) and let the technology go to work. After a few moments of “calculations” (during which time I’m sure the pictures were sent off to a woman with a measuring tape and cold hands for further analysis) I was given a series of letters and numbers.
“TL141” my phone announced. I was baffled. Did I have to save up enough box tops and send in for the decoder ring or something?! But no, as ThirdLove informed me, this was a brand-spanking new measuring system that went above and beyond the old fashioned ways of A’s B’s and C’s. This strange code took me to a personalized store where I was offered to buy different types of bras in these bizarre sizes.
All of that work and now you’re asking me to spend $70.00 on an intangible bra whose size sounds like the name of my high-school graphing calculator?! Needless to say, ThirdLove was promptly deleted from my phone.
Until now, I never thought of myself as an old-fashioned gal. Yet, all it took was one kinda sorta line-crossing app to make me feel the Grandma-y feeling that some things are better left untouched by “science.” Especially my boobs.
Image via ThirdLove.
