Scott Brown’s American Pen-Is Filled with Patriotic Ink

by Intern Brooke Connolly

Standard DOUBLE-Page Spread.
At first when I saw the pics of Senator Scott Brown doing his best Burt Reynolds impression in Cosmo, I was like, “whatevs, of course this won’t be a big deal- he’s a dude”.  It didn’t shock me; it also didn’t shock my grandmother or Scott Brown’s grandmother for that matter- “My Grandmother saw it. She laughed”, he informed Barbara Walters, Sunday in his interview on ABC’s ‘This Week.’ Jane’s Addiction told me in 1988- “Nothing’s Shocking” and this still holds up today. Holds up strong, and hard, and rhythmic- like an American flag, on a pole in the wind.

Of course
, Washington and the male dominated media didn’t blow the story up to epic proportions, because he is a dude. And the cynic in me knows that at the basic level this is sexism and that is not shocking. But, when I really got to thinking about it more; I felt that maybe the way this story was handled so laissez faire had less to do with sexism and double-standards and maybe more to do with sexual behavior; a cover-up/a “quickly moving onto the next news story” as to not draw attention to a bigger issue- the rampant sexual gratification sometimes sexual perversion that exists behind closed doors for men with money and power. Holy BearSkinRug Balls- this is heavy. (Some would say my keen sense for riveting investigative journalism is strong, and hard, and rhythmic- and never one sided like Rick Allen, drummer from Def Leppard.)
Sexism or SEXISMyfavoritethingandi’dliketokeepitthatway? 
Sexist attitudes towards women attempt to keep us subservient. Is it working? If you are a woman here reading this blog, I would say it’s not. As a gender do we have inherent struggles when it comes to double standards and sex appeal? Yes. Did Strom Thurmond’s historic 24-hour filibuster in the Senate chamber keep the Civil Rights Act of 1957 from passing? I vote no.

Now, I do really believe the way this story was handled in mainstream media- even if subconsciously– was an effort to distract us from the rampant sexual gratification sometimes sexual perversion that exists behind closed doors for men with money and power. Too much bad penis press lately. I don’t even have to make a list, you know who they are. Right now I can’t even begin to get into a fully developed discussion on that theory. We just don’t have the man-made time, not in blog form.  And I don’t have the money to keep my internet on that long. 

But in the simplest of terms: Scott Brown has a penis- and he- like most all men, likes to use it and in this case, partially display it behind his wrist. (I would use mine too if I had one- I think I would really like to have one for a day- just to try it, maybe keep it longer if I liked it- like how Julie Doucet got to use one in ‘My Most Secret Desire’, …but I digress) So, with the combination of the age of technology and the American public’s insatiable hunger for Snuggies, LOLcats, Haiti Fundraisers, celebrity dirt- nowadays we find out about things that might otherwise been kept under wraps. Like a man’s sexual behavior and conquests. Seeing Senator Scott Brown in a sexual way; a publically elected official we hold to high moral standards, just reminds me, that all-in-all ‘SEX’ is the number one driving force behind most all males. And if it were up to them, pants would be optional.

Pay no mind to that naked man.
I can only describe it as bizarre to see that spread and then hear these headlines (I’m making up now) on late night programs:

“Scott Brown bears more than true faith in Senate oath”
“Scott Brown- the only thing standing between you and his American Bald Eagle-is his wrist”
“Scott Brown wants to fulfill his American duty to you…- in your mouth”

Aside from obvious reasons, this story was weird- out of the ordinary. But why? It was the sex appeal. Washington dudes aren’t traditionally sexy or even publically comfortable with the nakedness. Remember in 2002 when John Ashcroft had the breast of our Lady Justice covered up with a drape of fabric? That statue is an allegorical personification of the moral force in our judicial systems. So moral that force is, you better put a bra on…or at least that’s what he’d like you to think in public.

These Washington folk don’t like their sex outward. They like to keep that shit private- cause it’s usually pretty freaky. Although, it can sometimes be practiced publically in bathroom stalls via mating call foot-taps. Or, if you’re, Mike Duvall, a family values assemblyman from California, your mic has been left on and the room’s occupants got an ear-full about your new found love of whore spanking. But, most often these professionals don’t want to draw attention to that animalistic urge that runs rampant in men and even more so acted upon by men in power. If Scott Brown poses nude, he must like sex. Sex is something kept private between elected officials and their Argentinean mistresses, call-girls you can choke, and young gay intern boys.
Would I let someone put a cigar in my vagina? Yes. I don’t know, I haven’t been to Washington
Rich and powerful men have access to classy hookers who let them do crazy shit. They don’t exactly want to remind us of that, so they laugh it off, dumb it down, quickly move on; conveniently letting neo-fems talk amongst themselves, making the focus of the issue into being something about them and sexism. We can make it about that if we want, but it’s about sex. Don’t be tricked. Leave the trick turning to the professionals.                                                

But really, the joy of sex (kinky or regs) for men knows no class system. Even on a pedestrian/common folk level- some men do a better job than others of trying to take the focus off of sex- by putting their interest into other things. They are genetically encoded and excited daily with visual cues further building an unwavering desire to have sex multiple times a day, but they have to conform to accepted societal norms that regulates the public use of their penis- with the help of things such as football, beer and music. Assuming they are straight. Now if they are gay- there’s a glory hole for that. But behind every Dallas Cowboys game are cheerleaders and behind every can of Miller Light is a 14ft cardboard cut-out of “Tammi” Hawaiian Tropics bikini model winner from ’06 (*your liquor store has not received new promotional materials from their liquor rep in some time, please contact your local rep for “Staci” Hawaiian Tropic bikini winner ‘09*) and behind every song is…well, no nothing is behind any song, because every song is blatantly about sex.

On a musical side note: retailers were in fact shocked by ‘Jane’s Addiction’s’ debut studio album cover. Nine out of the eleven leading record store chains refused to carry ‘Nothing’s Shocking’, and the ones that did carry the record had to be issued with a brown paper bag cover.  

Every man’s Pen-Is is Filled with Ink and you can use it to take dictation                                                                                                                                  
Sex is huge. *Understatement alert* You can’t escape it. Not even Scott Brown’s wrist can keep you from it. And, I have to stop myself here from getting deeper and deeper into this gaping hole of a subject. But, is it sexist of me to make such assumptions about men and sex? Am I stereotyping certain male behavior by saying, “All men love sex, but it’s the ones with money and power that like erotic asphyxiation.” (Is there an elite secret society of gaspers? No, that is a serious question, I do wonder that.)  Am I saying that, “All these Washington types ‘cross-dress-up’ in their hooker’s stockings, panties and heels in hotel rooms, like Oscar De La Hoya? No. I’m not saying that. But I am saying some men would like to try all of the above things maybe once. BUT BEHIND A CLOSED OFFICE DOOR, OR UNDER A DRAPE OF FABRIC OR INSIDE A BROWN PAPER BAG. I am saying, sex, sex, sex, sexsex sex sexity sex sex-the act of sex- is the number one most popular thought/(fingers-crossed) activity for men- And, they have to pass laws to keep themselves in check- and just have to do other things, like change the topic, so we ladies don’t fixate on this most basic fact of a male’s biological life that is strong, and hard, and rhythmic- like an Asian gymnast.

Is this Sexist Sex Talk? Not if the facts about men and sex are true. The National Academy of Scientists (that sounds made up, but it is not) composed of approximately 2,100 members and 380 foreign associates, of whom nearly 200 have won Nobel Prizes reports that on average men think about sex every 52 seconds. Well, that answers that. World Science=Worldy Facts. Scott Brown’s American Bald Eagle is so important to him, he just wanted to share that special bird with us collectively, in a American born magazine- because he is a patriot. Is that wrong? I don’t think so. His carnal desire to fly his bird into our caves, is natural. But that still doesn’t answer why Asians are so hairless? That we can get into in next week’s blog: Racist Race Talk.   

But Brooke, what about the genesis for all this discussion, what WOULD happen if a female candidate did a similar photo spread? Can you touch on that? Well, if you insist..She would be lambasted, of course. And, this would happen because it would provide the opportunity to project- consciously or subconsciously- those ever present aroused testosterone-dripping feelings by flipping the sex script into a female doing something “sexually wrong”. Too much bad penis press = Get her!!! (in an effort to distract us from the rampant sexual gratification sometimes sexual perversion that exists behind closed doors for men with money and power). Now cue the double-standard and sexism vehicles to distract us from the more important conversation. 

“I might have had someone kill Chandra Levy, but look at that slut defiling the United States Capitol, ABSOLUTELY SHOCKING. What would her grandmother think?” –Gary Condit, Former United States Representative

Photo Courtesy: BrookeConnollyComedyArts


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