Crotch Jewelry Is Now A Thing, And I Give Up

by Hannah Rose

Guess what, ladies, the fashion trend you didn’t know you needed has arrived. . . now introducing crotch jewelry (aka “Beachtails”). And no, I’m not talking about vajazzling, I’m talking about a straight up chain that loops through the crotch of your bikini bottoms (/undies/thong/ass-wedgie jean shorts/whatever bottoms your heart desires) and has 1.5-inch-long dangles on either side with little charms at the end, courtesy of Japanese brand BoDivas. The charms come in a range of colors, and you can even be a fancy bitch and get Swarovski crystals to show people what’s really up.

So, this shit is fucking wild. It’s like I kind of want to try it out, but I’m also very concerned about some of the potential risks. . . like irritation, for example. My vagina already freaks the fuck out if I change my laundry detergent or don’t immediately extract the semen post-fucking — this new trend doesn’t seem promising. Another concern I have is the jewelry getting twisted up in/perforating my labia. You know, I have a lot going on; I just don’t have the capacity to handle that kind of stress in my life right now. And, as a hypochondriac, my list of fears, both rational and irrational, could go on and on.

Basically, though, crotch jewelry sounds like a trip to the gynecologist waiting to happen. I’m a frequent flyer there as it is, and my gyno has already pegged me as batshit crazy. So I’m just not sure that crotch jewelry is for ya gurl. But for bold of heart and of vagina, you can fucking do your Beachtail thing here for as low as $19.50. Really, it’s a steal, and vaginas love cheaply-made products, no? If you’re feeling extra risky regarding your vaginal health, you can bypass the bikini and try BoDivas’ Ladiesclip, non-piercing clitoris jewelry that also comes equipped with said dangles and charms. Just pls make sure to let us know how it goes. And maybe have a standing appointment at your OB/GYN just in case shit goes downhill.

Image: BoDivas’ Beachtails 

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