Fifty Shades of Cosmocking!

by BUST Magazine

We’re fans of The Pervocracy, a blog devoted to all things kink. And we especially enjoy the site’s regular feature “Cosmocking,” which pokes fun at Cosmo‘s frequent and, uhh, creative sex tips. Here’s the latest edition of “Cosmocking,” focused on some Fifty Shades of Grey-inspired ideas from the mag’s pages.

Light pink cover!  Light pink invisi-pants! …Hang on here.  “Wow Your Man With These Moves Inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey“?  Oh boy.  I’m going straight there.
…Oh boy.  This is gonna be a whole post.

Thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey, everyone and their mother is buzzing about BDSM (short for this laundry list of naughty turn-ons: bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism).

Hey!  They actually got our goofy acronym right!  Maybe this article will be well-researched and created with input from actual kinksters!  Maybe it will discuss how BDSM exists as a community, how it encompasses a broad range of activities and motivations, and above all else, how crucial enthusiastic consent and explicit communication are in BDSM!

Suprise-attack him with a few of these tonight… and that’s an order.

…Maybe not.

Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower–wet skin is more sensitive.

That’s not a sexy surprise, Cosmo.  That’s battery.
God damn it. Consent is not some advanced detail that you can skip over because you’re writing for a casual audience.  Consent is fundamental.  Whether you hit someone wet or dry–that’s a fucking detail.
The ridiculous part is that it might turn out your boyfriend was secretly kinky all along. It might turn out that he is a bottom and does like hitting and does like being taken by surprise–but he hates being hit on the thighs.  Hitting him on the thighs gives him the bad pain and makes him shut down sexually.  He wanted to be hit on the butt.
Having sex without negotiating isn’t a great idea, but you might be able to guess what your partner likes if you stick to the cultural standards.  When you do BDSM, you can’t guess.  Kinks are too complicated for that and the stakes are way too high.

Make him watch a porno–from the pizza being delivered to the pizza boy getting his “tip”–without touching you or himself. If he tries, slap his hand away.

Careful.  There’s a fine line between “oh, release me from this torturous sexual deprivation, Mistress” and “Hm, I wonder if they’re shooting this on a XL-2?”

Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body–his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.

My roommate and I tried this–for Science! Result: jabbing a fork at me at random just feels silly and uncomfortable.  It only got interesting because he knew how to use the fork on pressure points.
…oh yeah, and because I’m a god damn masochist.  That’s kind of an important part of the equation here.

Get him to wrap your wrist and ankles in toilet paper for a lighter restraint. While you are bound, he should tease you to the point where you’re so turned on, you have to rip free of your shackles.

Toilet paper bondage. Oh my god.  TOILET PAPER BONDAGE.
I love Cosmo so much.
…how much frenzied thrashing does it take to rip toilet paper, anyway?

In your meanest schoolteacher voice, tell him to go stand in a corner facing the wall and not to move. After a few minutes, demand that he get in bed and ravage you.

It’s like someone told Cosmo what roleplaying is, but didn’t give any examples, so they had to kinda wing it.  “And next, maybe you could play cop and naughty party boy, and you could, um, write him a citation and then tell him to have sex with you.”
It’s also exponentially funnier when you remember you’re supposed to be doing all this stuff as a surprise.

Let him write “Property of [his name]” on your underwear before you leave for work. It’s an all-day-long reminder that he is your “master,” which is awesomely kinky.

That’s just going to make for confusing laundry.
It also raises questions like “What does ‘master’ mean for us? Does it connote real authority in our relationship?  In what ways will the ‘master’ exert control and in what ways can the ‘slave’ express her needs and problems to him?  A master/slave relationship is a very serious commitment–is this what we really want?  Or is this simply a short-term roleplay for us, and we happen to find the concept of ‘master’ hot?  Even then, does the roleplay extend to any activities or dynamics beyond underwear-labeling?”
Then it throws all those questions out the window, because who needs clarity when you’ve got a Sharpie?

As you’re riding him, clamp down on his earlobes with your fingers, and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward.

Oh Cosmo.






Reprinted with permission from The Pervocracy

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