Dear World, You have 30 mins left to give me cervical cancer.

by callie watts

I am getting my last Gardasil shot today. I could not be more stoked. It’s comforting to know what I am NOT going to die of. I used to have HPV, that’s right USED TO, in college. Oh so trendy, I know. I had the type that causes cervical cancer and thought it would be with me for life. When I had the first irregular pap and then the follow-up my doctor sent a letter to my parent’s house letting me know I tested positive. Unfortunately, I was away at college and my mom read my mail, so she was the one who broke the news to me. Which obvs sucked. The guy I was dating at the time had been tested before we stopped using condoms (which we thought was so responsible) but of course we didn’t realize guys can’t get tested for HPV. I am pretty sure he is the one that gave it to me because before him I was a virgin slayer. He never had any warts (which is the only give away for a guy) and he can’t get tested so he is probably out there spreadin’ the danger. Unless he beat the beast as well, but he’ll never know since dudes can’t get tested. Sadly, my next boyfriend was not so lucky. I was totally honest and open about my STD with him and we keep his dong wrapped. But lady juice drips and one day he woke up with warts on his asshole! I looked at it and almost vomited in my mouth. After this I was defiantly terrified of what my vagina could do to a person and felt real guilty even though I had been honest and we tried to be safe and responsible. Could it be the only way to be responsible now was to just not get laid! So, imagine my joy when I went to the gyno for my bi-yearly exam (cause if you gots the high risk HPV you gotta get papped at least twice a year) and she told me I was totally HPV free. WTF! I totally thought it was incurable. Well, come to find out if you are healthy and have a good immune system your body can beat it out of you! Natch, I didn’t believe her at first, went home, did a lot of research, went back 6 months later to double check, totally true, totally gone! I had not had an irregular pap in years and since I didn’t have a steady dude to keep passing it back and forth with, my amazingly healthy body cleared it out. Once I knew I was HPV free again I didn’t hesitate for a second when my gyno asked if I was interested in Gardasil. So here I am, about to get the last shot and I am so excited that my vagina is not going to make dicks erupt in warts or give another lady a death-gina via a game of HPV telephone (lean in close, get the secret and pass it on. Danger!). I have not had any crazy side effects from the first two, with the exception of a loss of appetite (which my be stress related or subconsciously I’m anorexic now but since when I do eat its crazy greasy food and I truly have no concept of calorie counting, I doubt that). Yeah it hurts but not like a lot of vaccines I have had. My arm is only slightly sore the next day, totally tolerably and believe me way less painful then looking at an asshole closing itself up with warts and knowing its partially your fault. Tonight I am going to do some shots in honor of the Gardasil shot! Thanks Gardasil for letting me know how I am NOT gonna die. Ladies get the shot and join the ‘ladies helping ladies not ruin dicks for other ladies’ club oh, and the ‘I don’t want cervical cancer so I am going to be pro-active about it’ club.

P.S. I should mention it does not prevent all HPV strains just the most common. Its kind of like deciding you don’t want to get hit by a car so you get out of traffic and walk on the sidewalk. You could still get hit by a car but you have a hell of a lot better odds. So maybe world you can still get me but your gonna have to try a lot harder.

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