In many spaces, queer and not, pronouns have become a part of casual introduction. The range of pronouns people use is already wide, including she/her, he/him, they/them or neopronouns. As gender queerness becomes more mainstream, so does the way that people group and use pronouns. Expanding use of multiple pronouns begs the question, why do people choose to express their identity this way and how do these pronouns affect their experience of gender?
To answer this question, BUST spoke with four people who use multiple pronouns. Many of the identities in this article are anonymized or last names are dropped to preserve the interviewees’ safety. In a time when trans people are four times more likely than cisgender people to experience violence, privacy is more important than ever.
These interviews highlighted that one reason that people choose to use multiple pronouns is to have some control over how people perceive their gender expression.
Mattie is a recent college graduate who uses all pronouns. She began using they/them pronouns in her sophomore year of college, and added she/her and he/him a year later. One of the reasons that Mattie did this was to maintain a level of control over how people perceive him. He explained, “I wanted to be able to have more control over how I was presenting…and [using] any pronouns allowed me a lot more flexibility which I decided to take advantage of.”
This switch allows them to present their pronouns differently based on the situation that they find themselves in. For example, using ‘he/him pronouns’ and presenting more masculine allows them to occupy more masculine spaces, such as “playing spike ball with a group of guys.” Mattie explained that “leading with ‘he/him’ [pronouns] profiles a more masculine presentation in that space that allows me access in ways I wouldn’t have otherwise.” This flexibility also allows Mattie to feel comfortable using the men’s bathroom, and to not be out in spaces that he doesn’t want to be in.
Ishaan S., who uses any pronouns, also introduces themselves with different pronouns based on the situation that they are in. He might introduce himself with only ‘he/him’ pronouns in “a group of people who are sharing their pronouns, and no one else has shared pronouns that are different from what you would assume by looking at them.” In this setting, she feels that there are “not necessarily other genderqueer people in the area.” The other reason that Ishaan may choose to not introduce herself with any pronouns is for the comfort of those around her. In a room of cisgender people, she may only introduce herself with he/they pronouns because “I don’t want it to be confusing” when she uses she/her pronouns since people may not assume she uses those pronouns.
Lillian (a pseudonym for someone who uses they/she pronouns) also found themselves changing their pronouns to adapt to other people’s comfort. They explained that they, “[were] using they/them pronouns for a little bit and then switched to they/she because [they] prefer people to use they/them pronouns for [them],” but not everyone would.
In an ideal world, without people who immediately default to she/her pronouns, Lillian would solely use they/them pronouns. They added, “I know that people are either going to mess up or they’re not going to use them at all. So then I’m like, I guess I’ll make it a little bit more comfortable for you.”
With their close friends and partner, Lillian asks to be referred to with they/them pronouns because, “I don’t want to hear myself being referred to as she/her.” However, they don’t mind if someone refers to them using she/her pronouns when they aren’t there because “that’s their business.”
Mattie also finds themselves adapting their pronouns due to external perception and not wanting to correct people. If Mattie uses all pronouns, then they can’t be misgendered. She said, “I want [my pronouns] to reflect who I am on the inside and who I feel I am. But there’s also the side of like, I recognize when people use [certain pronouns] with me, they’re using it based on what they see and what they see me as…I feel like I have to earn [the right to my pronouns], which is stupid. But it feels so much worse when someone says your pronouns wrong [because] they don’t know [as opposed to] when they’re correcting themselves.”
To Mattie, someone correcting themselves means that they are perceiving Mattie in a way that he doesn’t want to be perceived. Using any pronouns allows Mattie to not have to correct anyone. Ideally, though, people would not defer to any specific set of pronouns.
Madison Harland, however, embraces both pronouns that they use. Harland decided to use she/they pronouns after taking a woman and gender studies class. They explained, “it’s not that I didn’t necessarily resonate with ‘she’ pronouns, but it’s that I didn’t really resonate with any pronouns.” She added, “It’s not like I have any sort of gender dysphoria or anything like that. I just think that if all of us can do our part to move to a more gender neutral place, then the world might be a more accepting place for those that really don’t resonate with their gender assigned at birth.”
She clarified that, “obviously I’m not doing anything groundbreaking by just using ‘she/ they’ pronouns, but I think that if people that maybe don’t come into contact with people with ‘they/them’ pronouns that often, and then they do come into contact with someone that uses those pronouns, but not exclusively, it can be helpful to desensitize them to people having different expressions of gender than the traditional ones that they’re used to.” Harland uses their pronouns as both a reflection of their gender identity and also a way to normalize the use of ‘they/them’ pronouns.
Ishaan is someone who Harland helps by normalizing the use of ‘they/them’ pronouns. Ishaan doesn’t enjoy introducing herself with pronouns, saying “I had a really hard time when I first started getting asked about my pronouns, because I didn’t want to be treated like a cis man…I also didn’t want to be seen as a cis man. But I also don’t express that through pronouns.” His gender identity exists outside of his pronoun usage. As long as someone treats him as a non cis man, he doesn’t care what pronouns they use for him.
Lillian also sees their gender identity as somewhat separate from their pronouns. “People assume that I’m non-binary…because I use they/them pronouns” but that they are “not sure” that this is the case. They added that they feel that people who assume they are non-binary “are also looking at my gender expression in a certain way, like expecting something else.” Lillian identifies as a woman and wears feminine clothes, but still feels most comfortable using they/them pronouns. Lillian thinks that people might expect them to dress more androgynously because that is often associated with ‘they/them’ pronouns. However, that doesn’t fit their gender expression.
Ishaan agreed with the abstraction of labels. “My approach to queerness when it comes to my gender identity is very much like not using labels. So I don’t really use a specific label as a word for my gender identity either. Sometimes I’ll say non-binary, sometimes I’ll say agender…but it’s like, I will act how I want to act. I’ll dress how I want to dress and I’ll ask people to treat me how I want to be treated. And I don’t feel like I need a label to help me with that.”
Even though many of the people in this article change their pronoun use to adapt to their environment, people still don’t always respect their chosen pronouns. Mattie says that people who use she/her pronouns for her are “generally only amongst my friends who are queer themselves” and “a lot of those individuals also are either extremely politically progressive or specifically not cisgender.”
Harland has had a similar experience. Harland explained that the people who use ‘they/them’ pronouns for them are “my friends in the queerer spaces I inhibit, like my acapella
group where there’s a lot of non-binary people.” She added that in these spaces “there tends to
be frequent changing of gender expression” meaning that similarly to Mattie, the people who respect Harland’s pronouns best are those who have had similar gender experiences.
Even Ishaan, who cares less about the pronouns people use for them said, “I can tell who then intentionally starts mixing up what pronouns they use for me, which I appreciate. It’s not really like my goal, but it’s cool when someone will call me in casual conversation by ‘they,’ or by ‘she,’ or other pronouns generally…It is nice when people will go the extra step.”
This perception illustrates that gender does not exist in a vacuum. People who use multiple pronouns have various reasons for doing so, many of which relate to the people around them. Some people do it for safety reasons, whereas some people do it to make other people feel more comfortable. The use of multiple pronouns can also be liberating, allowing people of all gender identities to express themselves fully.
Image via Getty
