Ted Cruz’s Seedy Sex-Obsessed Past Catches Up With Him

by Meghan Sara

Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer.
Ted Cruz is the lead singer of a Christian heavy metal band.
Ted Cruz is…obsessed with dildos?

Yes, Ted Cruz, the Republican presidential hopeful who looks like he’s always holding in a really painful fart, is back in the news for something hilarious. This week, Mother Jones brought to national attention that in 2007, while working as a solicitor general in Texas, Cruz fought to uphold a ban on the sale of sex toys in the state of Texas. A 2004 case filed by several retailers of sex toys in Austin and a retail distributor challenged a Texas law outlawing the “sale and promotion” of sex toys, on the grounds that such a ban violated the 14th Amendment right to privacy. The judge ruled against them, but they appealed, and that’s when the case landed in Cruz’s lap.

Cruz and his legal team, on behalf of former-Attorney-General-turned-Governor Greg Abbott, filed a 76-page legal brief with the 5th Circuit US Court of Appeals pleading to uphold the lower court’s judgement. This not-so-brief brief includes such quotable gems as: “The Texas Penal Code prohibits the advertisement and sale of dildos, artificial vaginas, and other obscene devices” and the classic, “There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.” Inspiring! What a true patriot, that Ted Cruz.

Craig Mazin intimated Ted Cruz was a masturbator

Oh and guess what? The judges ruled in favor of the dildos! Listen to this constitutional mic drop from the judges’ 2-1 decision against Cruz: “An individual who wants to legally use a safe sexual device during private intimate moments alone or with another is unable to legally purchase a device in Texas, which heavily burdens a constitutional right.” BOOM! Constitutional rights! Undue burdens!  Take THAT, Ted!!

Craig Mazin basically calls Ted Cruz a dildo

Now, we all know that Ted Cruz is not the most popular member of Senate. The New York Times noted last year that Cruz has managed to piss off many of his colleagues, including Democratic Senator from California Dianne Feinstein and majority leader Mitch McConnell (whom Cruz called “a liar” on the Senate floor – that was VERY UNKIND, TED). But according to The Daily Beast, Ted Cruz has never been exactly…popular.

Craig Mazin calls Ted Cruz unlikeable

The Daily Beast spoke to several of Ted Cruz’s former classmates at Princeton, who used such flattering words to describe him as “abrasive,” “arrogant,” and “creepy.” Many of them corroborated the story that Cruz had a peculiar affinity for donning a paisley bathrobe and wandering into the girl’s section of the dormitory. Craig Mazin, successful screenwriter and Cruz’s Princeton roommate, recalled that he often caught hell from female co-eds who were creeped out by Cruz’s pervy strolls: “I would end up fielding the [girls’] complaints: ‘Could you please keep your roommate out of our hallway?'”

Paisley Bathrobe via Nordstrom, for that Ted Cruz lookShop Ted Cruz’s retro-creeper look! “Majestic International”  Men’s Paisley bathrobe via Nordstrom
And hey, while we’re on the subject of Craig Mazin! If you love to hate Ted Cruz (and relish the fact that he resembles a Halloween Jack O’ Lantern on November 23rd) you should really be following Mazin on Twitter. Ever since Cruz set his eyes on the White House, Mazin has been tweeting his distaste for Cruz and it’s hilarious:

Craig Mazin really doesnt like Ted Cruz

Wow, it’s almost like now we know too much about Ted Cruz, the self-satisfied sloth campaigning for the Republican nomination for President.  What more is there to learn?  So many questions.  Why is he obsessed with sex toys?  What did he do to Craig Mazin to piss him off so much?  Are paisley bathrobes coming back?  I guess we’ll have to stay tuned to election coverage to find out.

featured image via Wikimedia Commons


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