Sluts: What are they? Who are they? And how do I know if I’m a slut?
The world of sluttitude is nuanced, stigmatized, and complicated, BUT if you seek the answer to the latter question, you can trust that the Internet has the answer. Possibly several answers! Just Google “slut test” and you will find several in-depth quizzes that promise to tell you if you are a slut. Sound simple? Well, no: In most cases, the tests are unclear about what counts as a “sexual partner,” and which acts constitute “cheating.” This means it’s up to the individual test-taker (and potential slut) to determine for themselves how to define these vague concepts.
Doesn’t this taint the results, leading to false slut-positives? Well, don’t worry your potentially slutty heads about that, because as many of these tests demonstrate, “slut” isn’t really about sex! “Slut” is an attitude, a way of life, and an inability to wrap your head around the difficult concept of “underwear.” Let’s explore five different “slut tests” and hope we find an answer!
Test #1: All The Tests’ THE SLUT TEST! (see if you are a slut)
Tackling our tests alphabetically (because this is science, people!), our first test is All The Tests’ THE SLUT TEST!. Spoiler alert! Many of these slut tests have questions about your underwear. You should probably excuse yourself to the sluts’ ladies’ room and check what kind of underwear you’re wearing. If you don’t know what underwear is, that’s okay, too! All The Tests understands that underwear can be confusing, so if this question throws you for a loop, you can either Google “What is underwear” or select option C. Would a slut Google “underwear”? I’m not sure.
Everyone knows that sluts are religious…about wearing short shorts! Show your devotion to Daisy Dukes and select the first option, fellow sluts!
HA! You thought you’d catch me on this one, All The Tests! You didn’t know that ripped all my nails off, leaving a bundle of stringy nerve endings at the end of my fingertips! When you’re as big a slut as I am, nails just get in the way! If you’re hoping to pass this slut test, here’s what you should know: rip your nails off, worship cutoffs, and “underwear” are clothes you wear under other clothes! Good luck, sluts!
Test #2: BuzzFeed’s ‘What’s Your Sex Number?’ Quiz
If you complete Buzzfeed’s exhaustive “What’s Your Sex Number?” quiz, you deserve to be considered an honorary slut. This test took me the longest of all to complete, perhaps because I found myself puzzling over the specificity of some of the questions, such as the one above. Yes, I have flashed a single nipple, on the A train, on purpose. But would I consider it a joke? It was funny to me, but my intention was to get a rise out of a group of boys who were shaming girls for wearing low-cut shirts. I relish this memory so I’ll tell it in full: I was wearing a tank top with loose straps that kept falling off my shoulders, so I merely pretended not to notice when my strap “accidentally” slipped down. So which box do I tick? Joke? Not a joke?
Again with the complicated questions: If you kissed someone you knew was taken, it was a premeditated offense. You check that box AND the box two boxes below. If you were unaware of your kissing partner’s relationship status, you can only be tried as an accessory to slutitude, so you only check the third box. An extra point is merited, therefore, by mens rea. Oh, sluts!
BuzzFeed doesn’t conclusively tell you if you are a slut or nah, but instead, it ascribes a number to you which I guess is useless, except to compare against the scores of other people who sat through this lengthy, confusing, and ultimately frivolous test. You know. Like an SAT score. BURRRRRRRN, standardized testing!
Test #3: Nerd Tests’ The Total Slut Test
Every slut knows that when you need to know the answer, ask a nerd. Surely, Nerd Tests’ “The Total Slut Test” will be the most scientifically-based, error proof test…
…oh… I think you mean “didn’t”…
…oh… it’s actually spelled “career”…
…um… “had” is the correct word. “Have you ever had lesbian sex”…
Hmmm. I’m not sure what “arroussed” is, but I would hope you’d be “touched” that I took the quiz, regardless of whether I was “arroussed” from reading the “qeustions” or not! Okay, what are my results?
Okay, I may be just a slut (possibly?), and not a “nerd,” but I’m pretty sure those numbers add up to 168%, which is 168/100, an improper fraction. Improper…slutty…am I a slut? I want to approach this “rationally” (HAH HAH MATH PUN HAH HAH), so I’ll assume this means I’m a “Quire girl.” A quire is a collection of 24 or sometimes 25 sheets of paper of the same size and quality, so does that mean I’m “sheety”? I do like books (and the occasional folded pamphlet), so maybe this is a good result.
Still, I’m not entirely sure if I am a slut. Onward, ho!
Test #4: The OkCupid Slut Test
I met my boyfriend on OkCupid, so I trust their algorithms to lead me to the answer I seek. The OkCupid Slut Test seems to have their method down — in fact, you have to enter your age on the first question to prove that you’re over 13 years old. If you’re under 13, you’re too young to be a slut, and you’re too young to type numbers larger than 13 into text boxes. Very clever, OkCupid.
OkCupid knows sluts so well, they know that “slut” isn’t just a meaningless, arbitrary insult aimed at debasing women for giving in to the constant pressures of society to act sexy all of the time! Ha ha, no! Sluttiness extends all the way back to childhood!
Yes, OkCupid is the definitive Slut Test, because they ask the “textbook slut question.” Is there, in fact, a Slut Textbook, and can I get a cheap version on Chegg.com?
I’m torn how to answer this question. On the one hand, I feel like I “accomplished” a miracle of making a human connection in this crazy, desensitized world. On the other hand, I “wasted” countless hours riding the subway to Crown Heights from Harlem every weekend. So…D? None of the above? I’m starting to lose my faith in the validity of this test.
“How do you dress, for a night out?” Is that proper comma usage, OkCupid? Well, if I’m going to have “fun,” I’m going to need to be comfortable, and that means wearing my paint-splattered overalls! So, do I look like a slut?:
Okay, so what are my “overall” results?
I guess you can’t argue with science.
Now, if you’re thinking, “What does this have to do with the number of sex partners you’ve had in your lifetime?” I’d ask you, “What does that have to do with being a slut?” But okay, fine. On to the next test.
Test #5: The Slate Sex History Calculator
This simple, 3-question survey has nary a mention of the word “slut” in it, but it still seems to come up in searches for “slut test,” whoever knows why. The questions keep coming, as your answer lays out your number of sex partners, relative to other people of your declared gender and age bracket. Dammit, Slate! Am I a slut or not?! Why can’t I get an easy fucking answer?
Ultimately, how do you know if you’re a slut? My inconclusive and contradictory test results have led me to form my own theory about this slutty paradox: you may or may not be a slut, but you will never know you are a slut until someone calls you a slut. Yes, we are all Schrödinger’s sluts. In conclusion, everyone is a slut, and noone is a slut. If “slut” empowers you, wear it proudly. If you use the word “slut” as an insult, you might need to explore why such a vague, watered-down, indeterminate word holds so much power over you. A good jumping-off point to that journey is to take five slut quizzes in a row. Oh, and tear your fingernails out. Makes typing on an iPhone so much easier.
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