I had my first orgasm five years after I started having sex. Every time a partner touched my clitoris, it felt so unbearable and uncomfortable that I’d fake it, just to make him stop. I’m not proud of my pre-orgasm, faking days but I was completely clueless on how to get off. I never considered even telling my partners my frustrations. How angry they would be if they found out I was faking it! I loved having sex but deep down I wondered if I was missing out on something. I worried I would never have an orgasm.
But one night, two weeks shy of my 20th birthday, I was lying in bed with my partner at the time. I kissed his neck and ran my hands down his stomach. He reached under my skirt and circled my clit. I took a deep breath and resisted the urge to fake it. “Let it happen, let it happen,” I whispered to myself. I began taking deep breaths, the type of deep-belly breathing I learned in yoga, and then I felt a tingling sensation spread and build. I gripped the sheets and exploded, finally, into my first orgasm.
I never did tell him he was my first but after that night with the help of vibrators, my fingers, and supportive partners, I learned how to get off and experience sky-soaring pleasure. According to Planned Parenthood, my inability to orgasm is common with 15% of people with vaginas reported to having difficulty reaching an orgasm. Perhaps, why I struggled so much initially was because I was so focused on having a clitoral orgasm and not attempting to get off from other ways.
What I didn’t know is that there are many different ways to achieve orgasm and experience pleasure, according to Stylecaster. So if you were like me and find it difficult to get over the edge, these other methods may be more suited for you. These different types of orgasms may also benefit people, whose bits do not look like stereotypical vaginas and who are unsure on how to navigate their pleasure spots.
What is it: Orgasm that is a result of direct stimulation of your clitoris. It is the most common type of orgasm and sends powerful, intense feelings throughout your body. The clitoris is an extremely sensitive area and very responsive to touch. However, every body responds differently. Some people enjoy firm and rough stimulation while others find their clit deeply sensitive and prefer a softer touch. Additionally, some people like my younger self, find direct stimulation of the clit intolerable and uncomfortable. If this is the case, a clitoral orgasm is also possible through shallow vaginal stimulation, which arouses the root of the clitoris.
How to Achieve:
Alone: Rub small circles over your clit and nearby areas and choose a speed and strength of your choice. This is a perfect way to get to know your body and learn how you would like others to touch you. Solo clit stimulation is also ideal if you find being with a partner distracting towards achieving orgasm. But if your wrists get tired or you are looking for stronger friction; try vibrators. Toys are your best friend in assisting in pleasure and there are hundreds of clitoral stimulator vibrators!
Partner: Your partner can help you achieve a clit orgasm through rubbing circles over your clit or stimulating it orally. Communicate. Tell him/her what you like but if you feel like their skills are not shaping up, have them try a vibrator on your clit.
(Also important to note that penetration is not necessary for clitoral orgasm. So, it is perfect if you want to have an orgasm but want to stay from any insertion.)
What is it: Vaginal orgasm that is achieved from stimulating of the ‘G’ spot, which is 2 inches inside the vagina on its upper wall. Many believe the G-spot is a myth but 30% of women have reported experiencing an orgasm from penetration alone, according to Women’s Health. Perhaps, many women have never experienced it because it can take 15 minutes of continues stimulation. For those, who have had a vaginal orgasm, say it’s a deeply explosive, full body orgasm! I have yet to have one but I am keeping an open mind.
How to Achieve:
Alone: Explore the front wall of your vagina with your fingers until you find an area that is ripped and perhaps a bit softer than the other parts of your vagina. Insert a dildo, vibrator, or fingers to arouse the area. Some people have reported ejaculation, a.k.a squirting in response.
Partner: Explore different positions with your partner to stimulate your zone. Doggy style or other positions from behind may help you reach that big o. The key here is 15 minutes of continuous stimulation. If you are with a partner with a penis or strap on and they have difficulty lasting – have them try to arouse your sensitive zone with their fingers.
What is it: Orgasm achieved from both vaginal and clitoral stimulation. These are my personal favorites and give me the most earth shattering, screaming orgasms. It is the result from being both stimulated externally and internally. For many people with vaginas, who cannot orgasm from penetration alone, this is a perfect way to have big orgasms.
How to Achieve:
Alone: Rub your clit and finger yourself simultaneously. Hands Tired? Use toys! Penetrate yourself with a dildo while you rub your clit. Or use a rabbit-style sex toy- this earth-shaking toy is designed to give you a blended orgasm.
Partner: The possibilities are endless here. If you are someone that has difficulty letting someone else give you an orgasm, try rubbing your clit while your partner penetrates you with finger/strap on/penis. This is my personal favorite. I like to have some control over my orgasms and this way, it’s a combined effort. Try laying down on your back and rub your clit while your partner enters you (make sure your partner stays upright so that you have access to your clit). Doggy-style is another position well-suited for this. Alternatively, your partner can stimulate both your clit and g-spot for you!
What is it: Orgasm from anal stimulation. A pure anal orgasm is rare with only 5% reported to having one, according to Slate. If you are someone that enjoys anal play these orgasms can be momentous. I’ve had life-changing anal orgasms with clit stimulation; leaving me forever a lover of anal.
How to achieve
Alone: Lube! Lube! Lube! Lube is your friend in any type of anal play. If you’re curious but not ready for full penetration, try rubbing circles around the outside area to see how you respond. If it is enjoyable insert a finger or dildo.
Partner: If you are new to anal and curious, try having your partner place a finger in your butt during vaginal penetration. You can also have your partner stimulate that area alone through fingering/ penis/ dildo. Combine with clit stimulation for extra pleasure. Again do not forget the Lube!
The spectrum of experiencing pleasure is varied with plenty of ways to explore what your body likes. The nipples, for example, are very sensitive and release oxytocin upon touch and may cause sexual arousal, according to Stylecaster. And if having your intimate areas touched by yourself or another is not on the menu, many people experience pleasure through music, simple skin contact, and even through their mind (through deep breathing exercises). All methods stimulate feel-good sensations if you enjoy them. Finding what arouses you is part of getting to know and love yourself.
What ways help you achieve orgasms?
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