What better way to teach people the meaning of friendship than a mockumentary about a Bieberesque musician who learns that fame isn’t everything?
Um, I can think of a thousand better ways, but I don’t care. I know what you’re thinking: Why would BUST, a feminist magazine, review a movie that has relatively few female characters, and barely passes the Bechdel test? Well, those female characters aren’t just sex objects—in fact, we see more dick than tits and the few female characters who are actually in multiple scenes are women in power, such as Maya Rudolph, who plays an executive at an appliance company, and Sarah Silverman, who plays a publicist powerhouse. But besides all that, the fact of the matter is that this movie is funny, and therefore it’s worth talking about.
Popstar was produced by Judd Apatow, who you know from classics like Trainwreck, I Love You, Man, and Freaks and Geeks. The film was created by the same band that taught me the meaning of “jizz,” The Lonely Island, and it’s the kind of rambunctious laugh riot that only thety could pull off. With Jorma Taccone, Akiva Schaffer, and Andy Samberg at the helm, the strong messages of friendship and love feel real instead of contrived. They’re also really fucking funny.
I’ll admit I’m biased. I’ve been a sucker for The Lonely Island ever since my sophomore year of high school when my best friend introduced me to Jizz In My Pants. Samberg has been on my cheat list (for when I eventually get married) for as long as I can remember.
Conner4Real (Samberg) is a rapper on the latter half of his 15 seconds of fame—we meet him years after ditching Style Boyz, a boy band with his childhood best friends, for a solo career. One best friend, Owen (Taccone), stays by Conner’s side as his DJ, and the other, Lawrence (Schaffer), leaves them both behind to go into an unsatisfying and lonesome career of farming.
Like any reputable musician, Conner has over 30 people on his personal payroll—including someone who punches him in the balls to keep him humble. If he were to fire anyone, it should be that guy, because Conner is NOT humble 4real; at least, not in the beginning.
I saw Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping on a lonely weeknight, sitting next to a grown ass man who giggled at all the dirty jokes and sat silently during everything else.
The song that Popstar sang was all too familiar of a tale for me—I grew up with Destiny’s Child, *NSYNC, and Josie and the Pussycats. If this movie was a baby, its parents would be Drop Dead Gorgeous and Honey. Samberg’s character has the ego of Kirstie Alley and the sweetness of Jessica Alba, so it makes sense. I’ll admit it’s a strange combination, but don’t forget to add the Bieber ’tude, a few shots of Samberg’s gorgeous bare ass, and nearly a thousand celebrity cameos.
The film’s release is perfect in a decade that’s experienced “real” documentaries about One Direction, Katy Perry, and Justin Bieber. So perfect, in fact, that these screenshots from the music video for “Finest Girl (Bin Laden Song)” could’ve been pulled from Billboard. The song’s pretty catchy too, if you take the military insults with a grain of salt.
If these women were actually in the army, they’d be scolded for destroying their uniforms. They would also have their hair up.
“You’re harboring a fugitive (That ass). My justice will be punitive (Imma smash).”
I wonder if TLI had to get special permission to feature this newspaper from back then.
This is clearly a love story for modern times: “She tells me to go low then looks down and tells me that I gotta ‘Terrorize that pussy.'”
The slew of celebrity cameos is uncannily similar to a Garry Marshall classic (Valentine’s Day or New Years Eve, anyone?), or, dare I say it, an E! True Hollywood Story. But what kept me and the man next to me giggling at the dirty jokes was the charm and comedic timing of Samberg, who’s just barely cute enough to get away with singing lyrics about equality like “Not Gay” and having sex with a woman like the U.S. Army fucked Osama Bin Laden. The army brat in me began to get mad, but then I remembered that these are the same guys who won an Emmy for a song called “Dick in a Box,” and I started to laugh.
It might not be Shakespeare, but at least he’s trying to be suave.
If you’re curious about who you might see in the movie, I won’t give any spoilers away, but if you’re absolutely dying to know, I suggest you watch any of the following Lonely Island videos: “I’m On A Boat,” “I Just Had Sex,” or “Jack Sparrow.” Oh, but don’t get your hopes up for Akon.
Also, Justin Timberlake chops carrots. OK, OK, that’s all I’m going to tell you. And P!nk rides a unicorn. FINE.
If you haven’t seen the trailer yet, watch below:
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