Win $5,000 in the (Super-Skeevy) World’s First Vagina Beauty Pageant

by Olivia Harrison

Brian Sloan, the visionary behind the blowjob-simulating sex toy called the Autoblow 2, has done it again. He put that inventive spirit of his toward something the world really needed: a vagina beauty pageant. Finally!

Autoblow Vaginal Beauty Contest from Letsgasm! on Vimeo.

According to a press release for the World’s Most Beautiful Vagina Contest, competitors can win up to $5,000 if their vaginas are beautiful enough. Wow! In order to enter, participants must digitally photograph their vulvas while holding a printed-out hashtag in the frame. (If you can do that, you totally do deserve an award.) The participant must then upload the image to the Internet for strange men to judge and vote on. Awesome!

If you didn’t think $5,000 was enough, you’ll be pleased to find that the winners of the competition will be flown out to Los Angeles to have their genitals 3D-scanned to create new snatch-style ports for Sloan’s Autoblow device. What an incredible honor!

Sloan explained the drive behind his idea, and unlike most beauty pageants, it isn’t all about female self-esteem. (Shocking, I know.) “A dirty little secret of the adult toy industry is that the majority of vagina masturbators that are supposedly molded from porn stars and sold as replicas are in fact not molded from porn stars and are far from being replicas.”

That is shocking. He continued, “Most companies use ‘stock’ vaginas and re-brand them with new identities multiple times with new packaging. If you lined up all of the vagina toys available today, you’d find 75 percent of the vaginas to be strikingly similar.”

Sloan has made it his mission to give men a say in the aesthetics of their masturbatory aids. “I’m just interested as a businessman in giving men exactly what they want. So a contest is, as far as I know, the only way to do that.” Wow, Brian, you’re really doing the Lord’s work.

Sloan went so far as to promise accurate skin tone in the finished products: “It’s important for our customers to feel that they are actually inserting themselves into the vaginas that won the contest.” Owners of vaginas of all shapes and sizes are encouraged to apply, with the exception of those who prefer a natural look, as the machine “can’t 3D-scan hair.”

The entries are already trickling in. Currently, 38-year-old Coralyn Jewel of California has the lead, with a 7.2 rating. Congratulations, Coralyn! 

Images via the Daily Dot


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