The Twilight Saga: Team No Shirts

by Eliza C. Thompson

Love it or hate it, you can’t avoid Twilight. Last night, I joined several other BUSTies (and about a million swooning girls) for a midnight screening of round two of my favorite teen vampire drama. To sum up — it was AMAZING.

If you’re going to sit through a two-hour-long angsty teen drama, there’s no better way to do it than with tons of screaming teenagers and their mothers. I haven’t heard so much squealing at an event since the Backstreet Boys concert I went to in seventh grade. They screamed when the lights went down. They screamed during the trailer for Robert Pattinson’s new movie Remember Me. They screamed when the Summit Entertainment logo appeared on screen, when R-Patz first waltzed up to Bella in the school parking lot like a vampiric Jason Priestley, and every single time Taylor Lautner took off his shirt to reveal his ‘roided up teen abs. Seriously, what have they been feeding that child?

So how was the movie, you say? Well, it was just as unintentionally hilarious as the first one. Less flying around in trees in this one, but a lot more unresolved sexual tension now that there’s two hottie monsters vying for the attention of our skittish heroine Bella Swan. The makeup people seem to have sprung for higher quality vampire contacts this time around, as well as a lot more pancake foundation for R-Patz. As Emily Rems put it, ‘He was looking a little heroin chic by the end of the movie. Like full on Iggy Pop style, stumbling around all the time.’ We think they may have done that on purpose to make Taylor look more like the heartthrob we knew he could be once he took off his nappy-ass wig. I even told Intern Nicole that I might be switching teams — R-Patz’s ghostly painted-on abs just don’t do it for me the way they used to.

After the movie, some guy from a radio station asked us what team we were on: Edward or Jacob. Crafty Lady Callie Watts replied, ‘Team no shirts!’ And we all pretty much agreed, ‘Yeah, team no shirts.’ Because really, if you’re not already a Twi-hard like myself, the only thing you’ll like about New Moon is the vast amount of shirtlessness. That werewolf pack can’t get enough of being half-naked. Yeah, it probably sucks to explode all your clothes every time you turn into a giant vampire-eating wolf, but if they can find the self-control to strap a pair of jean cutoffs to their legs you’d think they’d at least be able to get a tank top on there, too. But nobody ever said Stephenie Meyer didn’t know her audience.

photo courtesy

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Founded in 1993, BUST is the inclusive feminist lifestyle trailblazer offering a unique mix of humor, female-focused entertainment, uncensored personal stories, and candid reporting that tells the truth about women’s lives.

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