‘The Rules of Getting Laid’ Surfaces and Shows Us Just How Far Men Will Go to Get In Our Pants

by Shelby L Thompson

The now-horny teenager of a book, The Rules for Getting Laid, has come out of hiding and couldn’t be a more hilarious look at feminism, sex, and dating. In fact, the cover promises that “Feminist women and men will try to ban or burn this book!”  

Written in 1999 by obvious geniuses, David Graff and Ray Schwartz, readers get a taste of an “outrageous, hilarious, politically incorrect book [that] shows men the boneheaded mistakes they make in seducing women. Graff and Schwartz are unrelenting in their streetwise approach to dating. This book tells readers the secrets no one else will have the guts to speak!”

Oh boy!

The Village Voice folks stumbled upon this little gem at a thrift store in Queens and took on the hard task of finding the best of the best discussions ranging from, date anxiety, to abuse, stalking, fat-shaming, and more! And of course, the how-to on the end goal of getting laid, dude. Remember, these are “the rules” now.

If you don’t have time to click through to Amazon to pick up what has been called “one of the best out there for dating for men,” have no fear, I’ve got some highlights for you below.

On Feminists:

Stop prospecting a woman immediately if she is an angry feminist. … They have a venomous streak in them for you just because you are a man. They will want to lecture you about women’s suffering and the hardship of their lives. You can never win with a woman like this. If you do anything she will misconstrue what you did and fight with you.

On anxiety:

If you are worried that you might be sexually preoccupied on a date, you must masturbate before going out.

On rejection:

There are thousands of women who would be happy for you to fuck them tonight! You just don’t know who they are and you give up too fast when you aren’t willing to face rejection.

On dating online:

There is one important caveat about the women you will meet through personal ads or on the internet–they are very, very likely to be fat … It’s best to think of them as practice arenas. But do use them, and do practice where your ego isn’t on the line! Once you get used to being seductive, then you can move up to the strippers and Victoria’s Secret models.”

On the importance of listening skills:

The proper way to handle it when a woman tells you her problems is to appear to be listening attentively and nodding occasionally while you get some good thinking done about any other topic you choose.

On hygiene:

 Nothing, we mean nothing, turns a woman off faster than the smell of feces.

On pregnancy:

No woman, no matter how hot she is, is worth getting pregnant.

On rape and abuse:

Topics like murder, rape, etc. upset most women.

[When going in for a first kiss …] if she recoils from your touch, than you probably need to create more romantic situations for her first.

This rule is so important to your self respect, your long-term success with women, and staying out of jail that we’ve made it into a rule of its own. Never hit a woman! When you hit a woman, on a moral level, she has won.

Ahhh, I feel so much better know that men are getting real advice from other men on dating and sex (and poop!). I was beginning to worry that I wasn’t meeting the right guy to satisfy my needs and be the perfect boyfriend because he just didn’t know how to approach me. But it turns out, he just hadn’t been introduced to The Rules of Getting Laid [insert face palm now].

Thanks to our friends at The Village Voice for this one!

Images via villagevoice.com

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