Mad Men Finale: Here’s How We Think It Will End

by Evelyn Chapman

Here at BUST we have very important conversations; we question, we discuss, we argue, we throw things. But this week there was a doozy of a mystery; an anxiety-ridden, lip-biting, hair-tearing, earth-shattering question that has kept us all up at night. What will happen during tomorrow night’s Mad Men finale? Here are a few of our theories.


Don Draper Really is D.B. Cooper, and Matthew Weiner is Fucking with Us

A couple of years ago, someone posited the very insightful theory that Don Draper may have been based on the real-life D.B. Cooper, a man who, in 1971, bought a one-way plane ticket to Portland. Once boarded, he smoked a cigarette and drank a whiskey, then told the stewardess he had a bomb in his briefcase and that the plane was being hijacked. When the plane landed, he let everyone off except the pilot and demanded $200,000 and four parachutes. Ransom received, he had the pilot fly up again, where he jumped out. He was never found. This truly happened. And of course, Donald Draper sounds like DB Cooper, there is the Cooper from the advertising agency, all those references to planes, etc etc. However, Matthew Weiner recently denied that this theory is correct. He could be fucking with us, though. There are just too many connections to this particular theory.  I mean…Don has no car. He’s waiting for a bus. He could take a plane. Really, Weiner, wtf?


Don Draper Will Drive Off into the Sunset, Literally

In the poster for this season, we have Don in his convertible, top down, driving along, sun in the windshield. And, in fact, we know that Don is driving West. And as you remember, the sun sets in the West. He is therefore, literally driving off into the sunset. And that will be the end of Don Draper. He will return to being Dick Whitman, possibly restarting his life in California, and taking the kids out there with him, or just leaving them for Francis to deal with. He’s definitely going to give up the con, though. He was a conman when he took Draper’s identity; his life in ad sales was as a con man; as a ’60s-era womanizing cad he is also a con man. Con men were revered then, but in the ’70s, their heyday is over. He will leave the con behind to enter this new era of greater openness.


Don  + Peggy, Sittin’ In a Tree

This one is pretty farfetched at this point, but there is a true story about a woman in the early ad days who started as a junior copywriter and rose to the top of the ad pile, and she also had a romance with the owner of the agency. Wiener sometimes bases his characters or stories on real life, and this theory did seem very plausible from the beginning. However, Weiner has publicly negged this one as well, and it seems difficult to imageine it coming together in the last episode. Nevertheless, in this last season,  Diana was wearing a brown uniform with giant white collar, and in the next episode, Peggy was wearing a brown dress with a large white kerchief, creating a compelling (if odd) comparison. It made us think that if Don is going after plainer Janes these days, and Peggy is moving up, too, they might meet somewhere in the middle.


Our Hero’s Journey

Don hops on a bus back toward home and calls Sally on the way. She tells her dad that Betty is dying, and he returns home to take responsibility for his kids and for the struggle he’s put his family to, deciding not to go back into advertising for the time being. Betty’s illness forces him to finally tell the kids the truth about who he is and where they came from, and the series ends with father and daughter finally seeing one another for themselves for the first time — and that’s how they can begin all over again.


Happily Ever After

Don goes back to NYC, says goodbye to Betty, and decides to make a new agency with Peggy. Joan moves to San Francisco and becomes a lesbian.


Not So Happily Ever After

Guys, the Intro to the show has been a man falling, silhouetted against the ads that both created (or re-created) and destroyed him. What, you thought it was a metaphor?


Don Draper’s real name is not Dick Whitman, but Jonathan Daniel Hamm

He tries to break the news lightly to Sally while hosting an episode of Saturday Night Live. When she Googles his name after the show, she’s a little disturbed by what she finds in recent news. But after some digging around, she stumbles across a sketch of him playing Dr. Drew Baird on 30 Rock, and she laughs so hard that all is forgiven. They live happily ever after, without any secrets. Until the next issue of Us Weekly.

Images via huffington post, wgsn, new york magazine, amc, abc

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Founded in 1993, BUST is the inclusive feminist lifestyle trailblazer offering a unique mix of humor, female-focused entertainment, uncensored personal stories, and candid reporting that tells the truth about women’s lives.

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