Two Female Assassins Brandishing Poison Needles’ Killed Kim Jong-Un’s Half Brother

by Jen Pitt

As we enter this new era of stranger than fiction reality, a new piece of news — more akin to a plot of Game of Thrones, more fit for a new Kill Bill sequel — occurred. Kim Jong Nam, Kim Jong Un’s half-brother, died at Malaysia’s Kuala Lumpur’s International Airport early on February 14th. Many reports are going around that he was poisoned, but perhaps the most sensational line comes from The New York Post, which states, “two female assassins brandishing poison needles killed the casino-loving half-brother of North Korean despot Kim Jong Un.” Additionally, security footage shows that one of the women suspected of killing Kim Jong Nam did so while wearing a T-shirt that said “LOL.”


Various news outlets have labeled Nam as a gallivanting “playboy,” imbuing the story with gratuitous sexiness when really the spotlight should be on Kim Jong Un and his ruthlessness. In true King Lear fashion, Nam was the son of Kim Jong Il and his mistress Song Hye Rim. Apparently, both Kim Jong Un and Kim Jong Nam were being groomed to take office after the death of the patriarch and were raised separately, as is “North Korean practice of raising potential successors.” This caused tension between the brothers, making Un feel threatened by his older brother’s claim to the rulership.

A CNN video called “Inside The N. Korean First Family” says Kim Jung Un had an affinity for 007, which perhaps explains the style of the attack, and that he had “spent virtually no time in N. Korea’s Army before his father elevated him to a General… One of the first signs that Kim had leap frogged his two older brothers.”

In a political climate where easily threatened monocrats are on the rise, it is paramount to de-mystify the salacious details of the murder.

At first, these claims were unsubstantiated. But yesterday, South Korea’s TV Chosun said, “the two women, believed to be North Korean agents, escaped in a taxi and remain at large.” As of this morning, CNN reported that “a woman has been arrested in connection with the death of Kim Jong Un’s half-brother, Malaysian police said” and that “she was detained Wednesday at Malaysia’s Kuala Lumpur International Airport 2 carrying a Vietnamese travel document.” However, it is impossible to tell the exact cause of death before the autopsy.

I think I hear Quentin Tarantino’s keyboard a-typin’.

Image: Still from Kill Bill Vol 1

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