Hold on to your Nipples, Chicago and Hold on to your Noses, Michigan

by Intern Brooke Connolly

There’s some biters on the loose.

File Under: Girl on Girl Crime Blotter>Bodies and Manners>Nipple Drinks.

It’s important to follow that one general rule when it comes to you and your involvement with other people’s bodies. You have to be invited. Two different news stories, both happening this past Sunday, both involving the same weapon. Mouth weapons.  A woman on woman crime and a man on man crime, both Bobbie Smith from Michigan and Fernando Cooper from Chicago, are discombobulated body violators.  

According to MSNBC, Bobbie Smith, 27, bit off “a significant portion” of Sandra Smith’s nose during an altercation. Police recovered the detached piece in hopes that plastic surgery will be able to re-attach the missing third of her nose. Third of her nose. Ms. Smith is facing charges including mayhem and domestic violence. Both sisters were described as being, “highly intoxicated”.

Bobbie: Luellen,  ain’t gonna be back tonight
Sandra: I’m wait’in no matter what…
Bobbie: Well, he ain’t coming ’round here no more
Sandra: I’ll believes it, when I sees it *hiccup*
Bobbie: Ya’ll goin’-ta be wasting your time. He ain’t *drag of cigarette* ain’t round here no more
Sandra: I’ll sniff him out Bobbie
Bobbie: Well you ain’t gonna smell nothin’! *burp*
Sandra: I CAN smell him in here, smells like Wild Turkey and Kool’s
Bobbie: I told you! Luellen ain’t been here!!
Sandra: Get off me Bobbbbieeeee!! I’ll file a ‘strain’in order–!!!! My NOOOOOOOse!!!!!

Meanwhile 283 miles away, Fernando Cooper thought it would be ok to: number 1- physically assault a police officer and number 2- remove that officer’s badge, hat, hand, gun, nipple-with his mouth.  According to the Chicago Sun Times, the nipple ripper got into a scuffle with the officer, outside of a local bar. The officer suffered from swelling, cuts and “lost a body part” according to the examining doctor. F. Cooper was charged with 2 felonies.

This person actually bit off, in its entirety, another human being’s nipple. I wish so bad, this dude took a big ferocious bite, and shattered his teeth completely into little bloody bits on said cop’s nipples. Damn. If only he hadn’t wimped out on piercing them, back in ’97, with Marty and Ty, after that Nine Inch Nails show. O, how righteous it would have been, for the cop to pull away, nipples in-tact, and NIN’s ‘Piggy’-piercing the stillness of the night.

Out of respect, ‘Gibson’s Bar & Steakhouse’, where the incident occurred, will be removing the following “nipple named” shots from their menu:  Buttery Nipple, Nipple Hardener, The Buddah Nipple, Pink Nipple, Venezuelan Nipple TortureNipple Dripping, Hairy Nipple, Fiery Buttery Nipple, Nipple Tassel, Slippery Nipple #1, Slippery Nipple #2, Buttery Nipple German Style

Book Cover courtesy: TEETH ARE NOT FOR BITING by, Elizabeth Verdick

Who also brings us a series of important “bodies and manners” books:

illustration courtesy: Marieka Heinlen                            


You may also like

Get the print magazine.

The best of BUST in your inbox!

Subscribe to Our Weekly Newsletter

About Us

Founded in 1993, BUST is the inclusive feminist lifestyle trailblazer offering a unique mix of humor, female-focused entertainment, uncensored personal stories, and candid reporting that tells the truth about women’s lives.

©2023 Street Media LLC.  All Right Reserved.