Q: My boyfriend has been experimenting with orgasm denial and chastity devices by himself, and now we’ve incorporated this into our sex play. I’m psyched to see him get off, and I have fun, too, but I’m worried about the safety of these toys. I have mixed feelings because I think he may have developed this fetish as a way to cope with the times I’m not as into sex as he is. He’s also interested in orgasm denial as a spiritual practice, so it’s not totally out of the blue. What are the best male chastity devices on the market? Is this dangerous? Should I feel guilty? –Caged Heat
Sexologist Dr. Carol Queen: If your boyfriend digs this and came up with it on his own, by no means should you feel guilty. A compatibility check might be in order, but most guys who don’t get the sex they desire masturbate like fiends rather than choosing to not masturbate. This is an alternative form of working with erotic energy, sometimes for the extended turn-on and build-up, sometimes with an element of domination/worship. My only warning here would be using the cock cage (or whatever the device in question might be) because masturbation is off the table as an option in his eyes. That scenario would concern me.
Most of these items have an element of compression, often involving a cock ring to hold the whole shebang on his jewels. A person doing chastity play with a device will wear it for longer stretches of time than a cock ring ought to be worn, so the cock ring should be worn a good deal more loosely than under ordinary circumstances. Avoid chafing, pinching, or abrasion, especially if the device is being worn long-term; skin needs to have a chance to heal.
I’d recommend against wearing a device overnight, especially on a regular basis, because the penis generally gets erect when its owner is asleep and it’s thought that impeding this process isn’t wise. There’s at least one style made of leather that locks on like a thong and doesn’t impede erection; that might be the safest version in certain ways, though leather can be a bigger challenge to keep clean.
Speaking of cleaning, it should be done daily, and if it isn’t going to be removed for this process, use soap, water, and cotton swabs. Remember that it’s just as important to make sure everything is entirely dry at the end of the cleaning ritual; dampness encourages bacteria growth and/or chafing.
I’d opt for silicon over metal, plastic, or leather, because it’s softer (if it fits him well and doesn’t have any protruding seams) and it’s easier to clean. Stay alert for physical signs of damage; when you let him out to play, have a good look at his cock and balls, or assign him this task, and make sure that the device you use is very thoroughly cleaned before it goes back on.
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Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone
Top photo: Jimmyjane Silicon Chastity Cage
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