Dining at the Y
THE ORGASM GAP is real. Recent research suggests that in hetero relationships, women are having as few as one orgasm for every three their guys experience. For those who want to boost these sad stats, here are some tips from lesbian sexpert Alex B. Porter for both giving and receiving better cunnilingus. Share these pointers with someone who gives you a ladyboner, and you’ll be closing that orgasm gap in no time.
Top 5 Tips for Givers
1. Yes, your hygiene counts. Believe it or not, the vagina is cleaner than the mouth, so have a rinse or chew a piece of sugarless gum before diving in. Wash your hands, make sure your nails aren’t going to snag on anything sensitive, and take off your jewelry. Keep facial hair clean and neatly groomed.
2. Know what’s down there. Get familiar with vaginas, especially the clitoris. Learn about pleasure points inside and out and how they compare to those of the penis. No cunnilinguist is worth their salt if they don’t know the lay of the land.
3. Pay some lip service. Don’t just dive in and start lapping away! That moment you first go down is when your partner will feel most exposed, self-conscious, and anxious. Reassure them that this is as pleasurable and exciting for you as it is for them. Kiss and tease the surrounding areas before going anywhere near the clit. A little stroke, grope, and a few kisses around the navel go a long way in maintaining a feeling of connectedness.
4. The hood is good. That little piece of flesh that protects the clit allows you to distribute stimulation more evenly than direct contact, which helps build arousal. It’s also super useful for anyone with an extra-sensitive clit. Pinch the hood or lips with a finger and thumb to create a barrier between the clit and your tongue, then lap it up with long, slow strokes and swirls.
5. Think variety, then rhythm. Experiment with different strokes, speeds, and pressure so you can discover what gets your partner off without straining your tongue. Once you and your partner have found the rhythm for destination climax, keep it steady and consistent. Don’t change anything until after they either orgasm or indicate a desire for something different.
Top 5 Tips for Receivers
1. Prepare down there. The first step to reducing fear and anxiety is to pee and perform some basic hygiene. You’re probably fine without this step (skip the flowery douches, please!), but if you’re at all worried, a shower can help calm your nerves.
2. Get comfy. Make sure the room temperature is right and you’re lying comfortably. Same goes for your partner. Get out the pillows and cozy up.
3. Concentrate on breathing. If you’re rigid and tense, you won’t be able to relax, so loosen your muscles and focus on breathing. Visualize every breath traveling down your body though your pelvic region and to your clitoris.
4. Communicate. Your partner can’t know what feels good unless you let them know, right? So, speak up. If you’re shy, use noises or movements to express yourself. Try guiding your partner’s head if your partner is comfortable with that; hold it in place and press yourself against them if they’re OK with it. This is a great way to give guidance, and it can be sexy as hell.
5. Demonstrate and participate. Playing with yourself while your lover watches can be extremely hot and it allows you to show them what gets you off. Once they get down to business, lend some helping fingers to expose your clit to their tongue.
Remember that sex is a two-way experience and there are no set rules except consent. Ditch your expectations, open your mind, and get exploring!
By Alex B. Porter
Illustrated by Beatrix Urkowitz
Alex B. Porter is author of the new book The Cunnilinguist: How To Give And Receive Great Oral Sex (Independent Publishing Network).
This article originally appeared in the May/June 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!
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