Bill Cosby, Resident Creep, Will Give PSAs About Avoiding Sexual Assault Accusations

by Hannah Rose

Bill Cosby “wants to get back to work,” said his spokesman, Andrew Wyatt, on WBRC’s “Good Day Alabama,” and his upcoming project – a series of talks about avoiding sexual assault accusations – has most of us saying, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?” Wyatt elaborated, “This issue can affect any young person – especially young athletes of today, and they need to know what they are facing when they are hanging out and partying, when they are doing certain things they shouldn’t be doing.” Wyatt said (with a chuckle) the issue “also affects married men.” I’m sure young athletes and married men are thrilled to be the target audience and will be packing the arena to get tips and tricks from the expert of evasion.

Spokeswoman Ebonee Benson added, “Laws are changing. The statute of limitations for victims of sexual assault are being extended, so this is why people need to be educated. A brush against the shoulder, anything at this point, can be considered sexual assault and it’s a good thing to be educated about the laws.” A brush against the shoulder, serial rapes of drugged women. Tomayto, tomahto. Such a difficult world to navigate.

This announcement comes just days after the mistrial verdict in Cosby’s trial, in which he was charged with 3 counts of aggravated indecent sexual assault against Andrea Constand in 2004. As we previously reported, Cosby has 60 allegations of sexual assault against him, and anyone who has read the accounts / isn’t in blatant denial knows that he is far from innocent, but leave it to the criminal justice system to set a rich, powerful, and guilty man free.

WPXI Channel 11 in Pittsburgh released a recording of a man said to be a juror who stated, “Whatever the man did, he has already paid his price, paid, suffered. A case that was settled in ’05 and we had to bring it up in ’17.” Good God, there are so many things wrong with this cringe-worthy statement. . . First, it fails to take into account the dozens of victims who have suffered and are still suffering. Second, the reason we had to bring it up in 2017 is because it took over 10 years for him to be finally be indicted with criminal charges (the 2005 case was civil and settled for an undisclosed sum in 2006). And third, is that how our justice system is working these days? Sexually assault multiple women but avoid prison time because the aftermath has been rough for the perpetrator? Apparently so, because Cosby is a free man. . . for now. He’s currently out on bail while he awaits a retrial of the case, promised by Montgomery County prosecutors.

Here’s a groundbreaking idea, Bill Cosby and co., how about if you want to avoid sexual assault accusations, instead of becoming informed about the technicalities that can keep you out of jail, you just don’t sexually assault people? And by sexual assault we mean: Don’t perform any kind of sexual act on someone who doesn’t give their consent. Not much of a grey area, and could save us all the trouble of this impending series of horror.

Can we get this fucker locked up already?

Top photo: Cosby in 2011, via Wikimedia Commons

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