Have you seen this new video of teenaged Ted Cruz? It’s hilariously repulsive. The video was posted to YouTube on Saturday by a high school classmate of Cruz’s who wishes to remain anonymous. It features a younger, thinner, and decidedly more attractive Cruz—his sad muppet face wasn’t in full effect yet—sitting in front of a fountain discussing his future aspirations. That is after he clears up the meaning of the word “aspiration.” “Aspirations? Is that like sweat on my butt?,” Cruz says jokingly when then video begins. Good one. Butt jokes are always the way to go. You’re a clever guy. He continues, ”No no, oh I see, what you want me to do, what I want to do in life.”
This young man of god’s life goals include: “Take over the world, world domination, you know, rule everything. Rich, powerful, that sort of stuff.” Both ambitious and eloquently put. While those dreams are all pretty impressive, I find the goal he initially cites in the video more compelling. “Well my aspiration is to, uh, oh I don’t know, be in a teen tit film like that guy who played Horatio. You know he was in Malibu Bikini Beach Shop,” he says. My first question here is what is a “teen tit film?” Is that a genre I’m not familiar with?
To be fair, we all said and did stupid shit in high school. In fact even to this day there are two videos of me on Facebook getting my ears pierced by my best friend in our high school hallway and one of me in the 9th grade trying on men’s underwear in Walmart. (Unfortunately I came of age at the same time that camera phones got super popular. I should REALLY take those down or at least untag myself). That being said, it’s still hilarious to see what a tool Cruz was. This video isn’t a reason not to vote for him, but his politics are.
Anyway, after the video was released, Cruz’s campaign spokesman Rick Tyler replied to questions about it saying, “Good to see he’s always had a great sense of humor.” So true, Rick. What a funny guy. That wit has taken him far.
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