At some point in our lives, we’ll all come face to face with the reality of loss. We may not know how or when, and for many, that mystery alone is enough to render us silent and terrified. It’s no wonder we have such a grief-illiterate society—we steer clear of loss as much as possible. We haven’t been taught how to grieve, let alone show up for someone grieving. As a grief therapist in N.Y.C., and author of Moving On Doesn’t Mean Letting Go: A Modern Guide to Navigating Loss, the question I get asked most is, “How do I support someone I love who is going through a loss?” Or, best translated, “How do I get it right?” Here’s my advice:
- Show up as you, consistently and authentically. No need to come up with the best Hallmark-sponsored platitudes or inspiring quotes. Skip artificially upbeat sentiments like “Everything happens for a reason” or “They are in a better place.” Instead, lean into compassionate consolation: “This all just really sucks, and I am deeply sorry you’re having to go through this.”
- Send them a thoughtful, meaningful card or email just letting them know you are thinking of them. Write something as honest as possible, which can be as simple as: “I don’t know exactly how you feel or what to say, but I love you and want you to know you’re in my heart.”
- Make their life easier by helping with a tangible task, like sending food, stopping by to help straighten up the kitchen, offering to run errands, etc. Try texting something like, “Please know that I am here for you. Would it be OK for me to drop off a meal this week?”
- If they’ve lost a loved one (this can include pets, too), ask about them. Listen to or share stories about them or just sit quietly and listen to what they may be experiencing if they choose to talk about it. It can be hard to sit with someone in their grief but resist the urge to change the subject.
- Be patient—don’t push them to “move on” or feel better. And don’t give advice—no one wants that (unless they ask). Simply be present, show up, and be yourself as their loving supporter.
We tend to overthink or complicate how to best support someone grieving, but in the toughest time of someone’s life, you can help to uplift that person simply by being there. They may not remember every detail of what you did, but they will remember you showed up.
