In springtime, the insidious sunshine slithers under the skin of even us most devoted cynics. After the clocks turn forward, we are seized by an inexplicable urge to timidly brush aside our blackout curtains, pause listening to Fiona Apple’s Tidal on repeat, and (insert scream) GO OUTSIDE.
So you’d go out tonight, but you haven’t got a stitch to wear? No problem! Here are a dozen spring florals that even the moodiest pessimist can pull off:
The longest relationship in your life has been with the color black. Hey! I get that! This Floral Print Black Chiffon Long Sleeve Maxi Dress from RoseWe understands, too. With high neck, long sleeve, and floor-skimming hem, it covers you from head to toe, much like you conceal your disdain for humanity every single day.
Growing up, your mom always begged, “Can’t you wear a nice lacy dress? With flowers on it?” Call her bluff by showing up to family dinner in this nude-illusion Scalloped Floral Lace Bodycon Dress by Wet Seal. Is this what you wanted, mom? Don’t forget to take video of her tearful diatribe about how she “doesn’t understand you” to play for your therapist next Wednesday.
On your last visit home, you dug through your parents’ basement to find that box of plastic barrettes, velvet chokers, Hole CDs and your plastic tiara from Claire’s. Resurrect the spirit of First Lady of Grunge, Courtney Love, with the Alice & You Red Floral Midi Dress from Asos. With side-lacing for a peek at your “Doll Parts.” “When I wake up, in my makeup – “ it’s never too early for this dress!
Are you on the verge of bursting forth a new human into the world, ripping through your body in an eruption of blood and pain? Then this Mint Floral Chiffon Maternity Dress by Pink Blush Maternity is perfect for you! The light green color will be a nice compliment to your fear-stricken pallor as you contemplate raising an innocent child in this turbulent world of so much sadness.
Your childhood idol, Daria Morgendorfer, made the blazer look happen for you in the 90’s. Back then, you may have been whispered about on the playground for being the only third grader wearing a blazer, but now they’ll be whispering about you because your Stylish Lapel Long Sleeve Floral Print Women’s Blazer by Rose Gal is so “on fleek!”
The Eloquii Printed Fit & Flare Dress reminds me of a Monet garden in that, if you look at it from far away, it’s peaceful and pretty. However, if you dare to look up close, all is madness and chaos.
Playful and lively, the ChicNova V-Neck Floral Print Romper with Half Sleeves will inspire you to go sit under a tree in the park with your favorite dog-eared copy of Being and Nothingness. Don’t worry, if anyone from your Existentialist Book Club walks by, you can quickly bury yourself in fallen petals to blend in and pretend you’re not there. What does it mean to “be there,” anyway?
Flowers – well, if anybody can the ecstasy define, it’s the Profound Pizzazz Trench from Modcloth. Flowers! Calling to mind an Emily Dickinson poem, this prim floral print would be perfect for a chilly spring day! Why, there’s almost “Too much pathos in their faces/For a simple breast like mine.” I fear I shall descend into melancholy (again).
If you love writing poetry filled with angsty metaphors, you’ll love the Through the Breeze Crochet Top from Ruche! The crocheted lace yoke lays across your shoulders like a cage, symbolizing how trapped are, and the fluttery lacy waves at the bottom are as free as your soul longs to be.
Spring flowers are called “ephemerals” because they bloom and die so quickly. Capture the sadness of fleeting beauty on your legs with the Floral Audrey Ankle Pant by New York & Company. Wear them anytime you want your lower half to be a reminder of our short, brutal existence.
The Betsey Johnson Ruffle-Trim Floral Peasant Dress (via Macy’s) captures the essence of the Marxist struggle between the proletariat and the bourgeoisie. With frothy, romantic bell sleeves to swing loosely at your sides when you march in solidarity alongside the working class to their eventual triumph in the dictatorship of the proletariat! And I bet it’s really fun to twirl in, too.
We can’t neglect to mention roses! They’re your favorite flower because they have thorns! All that beauty and violence in dark unison, like a vampire, before, you know, Hollywood and Twilight went and made them too “mainstream” ugh. Be your usual thorny self with the Glam Cham Floral Patterned Clutch!
Pair any of these bright florals with your usual (black) Doc Martens and (black) beret, slather yourself in SPF 80 (who me, tan? I shudder) and get out there! Sartre said, “man is condemned to be free,” so embrace your angst! Flutter and be free in your flirty spring florals!
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