Welcome to yet another dramatic episode of the Bachelorette, the reality TV romance competition where thirty hunky bros line up to debase themselves for the love of an exceptional woman! If you missed last Monday’s premiere, fear not. All you missed were a few intro packages, 31 corny limo exits, several unsolicited “Whabooms!” and one unexpected makeout with a hot Colombian chiropractor named Bryan, who also snagged the first impression rose. Then eight guys whose names I mostly can’t remember went home. You are now up to speed. Let’s move on!
This week, we saw Rachel endure two group dates plus her first one-on-one date. The first group date was an obstacle course called the “Husband Material Challenge,” in which the contestants had to change a diaper and set a table and unclog a drain while wearing a Baby Bjorn. I can’t make this shit up. Did I mention the competition was casually judged by self-proclaimed Bach-heads Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis? Kenny the super dad and professional wrestler really wanted to scoop this win, but to America’s universal surprise, Lucas punched Kenny in the face and crossed the finish line before erupting in yet another hearty "Whaboom." "Whaboom" does triple duty for Lucas as a catchphrase, lifestyle brand, and identity.
Needless to say, Known Douche and Whaboom Detractor Blake E. was pissed. Blake apparently knows Lucas IRL, and they have major, yet totally unspecified, beef. Don’t remember Blake E.? He was the personal trainer who spent 90% of his intro package boasting about the “amazingness” of his penis and his “scientifically above average” sex drive. Blake E. HAS HAD SEX, okay Rachel??? Do you get it Rachel??? Anyway, after the date, Blake tried to accuse Lucas of the ultimate crime in Bach Nation: coming on the show for the “wrong reasons.” “You’re just here to further your Whaboom!!!” Blake shrieked while sitting on a leather couch. I see you, faux heroism! When this failed to produce the desired effect, Blake decided to confront Rachel by revealing that Lucas wears makeup. If buying department store foundation to look your best onscreen is an egregious violation of gender and modesty, LOCK ME UP TOO, BLAKE! I’d be that much safer from assholes like you. None of this mess remotely phased Rachel, though, and I’m pretty she made out with Dreamy Dean like 7 minutes after Blake left the room.
Next was Rachel’s one-on-one with Peter the silver fox. Y'all. Y'all. Y'all. Peter is so fine. I find his personality a little bland, but seriously. He. Is. So. Fine. But not finer than Rachel’s fluffy dog Copper, who also went on the date (!!!!!). Taking a private flight to Palm Springs, the trio relaxed at a dog carnival called Barkfest by day, before heading to a romantic dinner at night. Glowing in the candlelight, Rachel and Peter connected over their matching gap teeth and mutual love for talk therapy. I KID YOU NOT, GIRL. Peter volunteered this information on national television, and Rachel was visibly excited. So excited that she immediately gave him a rose and whisked him away to make out beneath actual fireworks. Because sexiness aside, who isn’t looking to date a well-adjusted, self-actualized man? Harder to find than you’d think.
Rachel’s second group date was a game of basketball supervised by retired Lakers legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. DeMario the “born winner” (his words) spent all day dunking and showing off, which really turned Rachel on until HIS GIRLFRIEND SHOWED UP to spill the tea. As it turns out, DeMario is kind of an ass wipe. Essentially, he ghosted this chick he’d been dating for months, then appeared on After the Final Rose a few days (weeks?) later claiming he was ready for love and marriage with Rachel. There was an altercation, receipts were presented in the form of text messages, and finally, Rachel told DeMario to split. Outta my way, scrub! But it seems we haven’t heard the last of this fuckboy, because several hours later he returned to the mansion asking to speak with Rachel one last time. Will she hear him out? Will she forgive him and change her mind about his character? I couldn’t tell you, because this episode ended with a freaking TO BE CONTINUED. Producers are trolls.
Come back to BUST next week for another Bachelorette recap!
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