So, you and your person are quarantined apart—or maybe, you were already in a long-distance relationship, and it looks like travel isn’t the safest option right now. You miss them; hell, you’re horny. Allow me to share some together-not-together strategies.
Keep in Touch
What schedule helps you feel optimally connected? What’s the right number of texts and calls per day or week? Keep your intimacy nurtured; feed your connection.
Out of quarantine, you’d have rituals and rhythms. Maybe cook dinner together, have a drink after work, go for walks. If you’ve got technology, you can still do all that. Watch the same shows. Read to each other. Zoom lets you screen-share; you can shop for sex toys or frisky underwear together!
Fantasy & Friction
Some people don’t masturbate much when they have a partner, but you’re not cheating if you indulge in a little self-care. Really bring your partner into your mind—let masturbation be an intimacy ritual, not just a blow-off-sexual-steam thing. Look at their picture; remember your favorite times together. Fantasize about their hands on you. Solo sex is fabulous for anyone who enjoys it, but when living apart, use it to give shape to your erotic connection with your partner. Tell them all about it later! You’re probably more than a little touch deprived. Stroke yourself all over—feed the skin hunger.
Technology is More Than Just Your Friend Right Now
Yup, you’re in a throuple with your smartphone. You probably aren’t FaceTime-sexing with every call (or maybe you are, you sexy beasts), but there are many ways to increase your erotic and intimacy levels using your phone and other tech.
You don’t have to be sexual on camera if you’re not comfortable—you get to have boundaries on the Internet, too! Sexy talk alone is wonderful. But maybe this is a time to stretch your wings. I wrote the book Exhibitionism for the Shy, and it sure is relevant now. If you feel a little nervous, try lower lighting or garments that feel sexy but partially cover you. You can tease and watch at the same time—or take turns. Make explicit requests of each other and use a safe word in case anything feels like too much.
And speaking of kink, there are many ways to explore dominance and submission when apart. If that’s not how you’re wired, that’s cool! But for some, this will be a time to try new kinds of erotic exploration, not just tech-enabled exhibitionism.
Negotiate any explicit activities that can be recorded. You may not agree to this, and if you don’t, make that clear. I don’t want to be a downer here—this is your person we’re talking about—but there are videos floating around online that shouldn’t be. Just think it through.
The Next Best Thing to Being There
I’m talking about remote-control sex toys, naturally. You can have fun with old-school toys that have no app (maybe even ones that plug into the wall!). But some vibrators let you share sensations over the web, like Kiiroo platform toys. Or hand over control of your vibe via smartphone.
“After This is Over” Plans
Maybe this all really feels like not enough. But someday, your person will encircle you in a huge, hungry embrace. You’ll be able to go to your favorite café again. You can take a road trip! Imagine those times together. Start building the future. We might be stuck on hold for a while, but the moment we’re living in will change. You’ll hold hands and have some kind of adventure. Where will you go?
Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is "The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone"
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