We're bringing you this Q&A from the Sex Files in our March/April 2019 print issue, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.
My partner and I are interested in chastity play, but after a day or two the device slips off his genitalia. We’ve bought many devices and always find the same problem. Because he is a “grower,” the size of his penis can vary. Can you suggest a chastity device we can use for long-term play? –Locked Down and Loving It
In order for you both to enjoy chastity play—a BDSM practice where someone wears a device around their genitals, either short or long term, for the purpose of orgasm denial—finding the right equipment is crucial. Many cock cages attach just over the shaft, and a shrinking violet would indeed slip right out of those, so you might want to try a device with a built-in cock ring. A cock ring is best worn over the shaft and testicles, and including the balls can add some stability. Look for a soft and stretchy one that can grow with him or cling to him when he’s soft, rather than a rigid one-size-fits-all type. Don’t size or affix the cock cage when he’s hard because it’ll be too large when he softens up. If this doesn’t work, you can also consider a harness. These could be a little looser when worn long-term because the harness won’t allow the device to slide off.
It’s important to consider whether or not your partner can take care of bodily functions while wearing the device and if it can be worn for long periods of time without chafing and/or causing physical damage. Softer materials are better for long-term wear, but they can be especially prone to slippage. A tighter ring might be the answer, but even a skin-friendly material can be risky for long-term play—watch out for chafing, pinching, bacterial or fungal growth, and, if too tight, cutting off blood flow.
I’d consider custom-designing a harness that will hold one of the commercially-available cages securely on your partner, or even designing something from scratch. BDSM toy companies or stores can often refer you to someone who makes custom gear. You can also ask on relevant message boards or websites like lockthecock.com. Personally, I’d make a two-pack of lock-on cock ring underwear that looks much like the fabric harnesses made by SpareParts; the comfy fabric wicks moisture away, and you could use something like this to stabilize the cock cage.
Whatever you choose, the cage must be removed a minimum of a couple times a week for a thorough cleaning. Make sure everything is dry when it goes back on.
The Gritty Woman offers some experienced commentary about sizing your ideal penile chastity device that considers dangers to look out for, like actual blue balls, as well as addressing some of the fitting issues you and your slippery eel of a partner have confronted. Good luck!
Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.
This article originally appeared in the March/April 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!
More from BUST
How Do I Navigate BDSM While Remaining Safe, Comfortable, And Feminist?
"My Partner Has Orgasm Anxiety - What Do I Do?"
How Do I Talk To My 'Diehard Top' Girlfriend About Bottoming?