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The Evolution of Masturbation For Vulva Owners

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I learned about masturbation from a girl I worked with at Painesville Dairy Queen in 1994. Jami was a few years older, 18 to my 15, and was the first girl I met who openly talked about self-love. The younger girls at DQ would sit on the steel counter, awkwardly fingering the neckline of our red polos, a wide-eyed captive audience as Jami drawled, “I loooove masturbating.” It was from Jami that I learned about the clitoris and manual stimulation, and thank god, because I had been masturbating unsuccessfully with a Conair curling iron for about two years. Learning to masturbate was a slow process, particularly for those of us raised in repressed Midwest Protestant houses. According to Sunday school teachers and other miscellaneous nutjobs, masturbation was a deadly sin.

When I first began to masturbate, it was tentative, guilt-ridden, and followed by hour-long apologies to Jesus. It was also quite confusing: There are just so many holes and flaps down there! When you’re trying to get off by squeezing your eyes tight and methodically humping a stuffed elephant, you know something isn’t quite correct, but aren’t sure what. Thank god for Jami, who not only took away the shame of masturbating but also provided clear-cut instructions on where to stick what. Masturbation is an evolution, wrought with missteps and danger. Eventually, most of us get it right.

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The Evolution of Masturbation for Vulva Owners

(This is true for every single vulva owner with zero deviation, obviously.)

1. Discover that rubbing pubic area on soft yet firm surfaces (couch arms, gripped pillows, rolled-up yoga mats, a bagful of guinea pig bedding) feels good.

2. Get weird, pleasant “stomachache” from watching ______ (i.e., the opening credits to Dirty Dancing, Halle Berry as Catwoman, or Kermit the Frog dancing). Subsequently, go to town on said bag of guinea pig bedding.

3. Hear whispered stories about sex, make the connection that the wiener goes into the bigger "peehole." Experiment with anything remotely phallic (curling irons, unripe bananas, tofu hot dogs), usually with disastrous results.

4. Discover that the clitoris is a thing. This will be the best day of your life.

5. Achieve first self-orgasm. Assume it was a brain aneurysm and wait for death.

6. Discover vibrating toothbrushes. Attempt using bristle side only once; never make that mistake again.

7. Discover free internet porn. Watch disappointing forced blow job videos, feel nothing, switch back to Kermit the Frog dancing.

8. Purchase first real vibrator, hide in underwear drawer. When roommate asks what that smell is, learn that you need to clean it.

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9. Learn good keyword searches and find better porn. Paired with a vibrator, you seem to be set.

10. Best friend gives you Adderall to help you focus on your homework/sketch writing/dissertation. Instead, you watch Kermit the Frog videos, orgasm 12 times, assume brain aneurysm, wait for death, and subsequently miss your deadline.

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This is an excerpt from Corn-Fed: Cul-de-sacs, Keg Stands & Coming of Age in the Midwest by Melanie LaForce. Find a copy at cornfedbook.com.

top photo: William Warby/Flickr Creative Commons

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Melanie LaForce is a writer and social psychologist living in Logan Square, Chicago. She writes for several publications and is currently developing her first book. Follow her at melanielaforce.com and on Twitter and Instagram @rileycoyote.

 

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