Some people like their lovemaking to be violent and furious: two bodies driven mad with a desire that cannot be contained. Some like it slow and sensual: a passionate congress of body, mind and soul. Me, I like my lovemaking to be obligatory. Waking up on my birthday thinking, “let’s get this over with so I can go eat pancakes," coming home after a big anniversary dinner and having half-asleep coitus while drenched in meat sweats.
For those of my ilk, there is no more exciting date on the calendar than Valentine’s Day, a holiday which demands that every couple in America “get it on” in the name of capitalism. I’ve been convinced by the seasonal aisle at Walgreen’s to purchase erotic delights like watermelon-flavored massage oil, fuzzy handcuffs, and The Sexy Dice Game (“lick elbow” — don’t knock it til you try it.). And, but of course, I spend the day eating foods that have been scientifically proven to be aphrodisiacs by women’s magazines and #sponsoredcontent.
As titillated as I get over raw oysters and chocolate, keeping things fresh and exciting year after year can be a challenge — especially when you consider both I and my husband are chefs. There’s considerable pressure not just to bone, but to bone deliciously. Here’s some delectable morsels to bring into your bedroom when you’re ready to saddle on up to the love buffet:
Chili Cheese Nachos
Mix one jar of Cheez Whiz and a can of chili (no beans!) in a large bowl and microwave for 2 minutes until just warmed through. Put on sexy underwear and a pushup bra to reach peak cleavage, pour the chili cheese mixture between your breasts and garnish with freshly topped scallions (green parts only). Straddle your partner and feed them chips slathered in titty dip.
True intimacy means paying attention to all your partner’s needs, and that includes gut health. Tangy fermented sauerkraut is an excellent source of probiotics, and also provides a significant dosage of vitamins C which helps with the production of sex hormones. Slather your bologna pony with spicy brown mustard, pile on the kraut, lay back and let your partner play the Coney Island Clarinet.
They look like butt plugs for a reason.
Avocados dangle from the tree in pairs, which is why the Aztecs named them achacuatl, which means “testicle”. It’s usage in pre-Columbian fertility rituals terrified “chaste and moral” Spanish explorers, and was quickly classified as a heretical food by the Roman Catholic church. Stick it to the Pope by mashing a ripe avocado with a touch of freshly squeezed lemon juice and slathering it all over your junk. Garnish with a drizzle of olive oil and a pinch of Fleur de Sel.
The old Altoid trick is for teenagers who haven’t mastered the fine art of oral pleasures. Pour two packets of Pop Rocks into you mouth before going to town. Don’t tell your partner you’re doing this — few things are sexier than the element of surprise.
This sweet and sticky substance has been used since ancient times not just as a sweetener, but also for skincare. Gently heat 4 parts honey to 1 part fresh lemon juice* (you can use an Instant Pot for this), then slather it over stretch marks and cellulite-prone areas and have your partner lick it off over a period of 45 minutes to an hour. The coupling of the honey and hot tongue action will help exfoliate your skin and lighten the appearance of scars.
*Thanks to its antibacterial properties, this mixture is also great for treating open wounds.
Some people hesitate to be adventurous with edible delights in the bedroom due to fear of infections. Put a few slices of Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce between your meat flaps for a tasty love sandwich that will protect you from UTIs.
Fiery passion calls for fiery condiments. Using wet palms, roll 2 tablespoons of wasabi into a ball and place in the refrigerator to set — about 10 minutes. Surprise your partner during foreplay by popping it into their mouth and then hold it shut while you drive the skin bus to spicy tuna town.
For all you advanced lovemakers who’ve already mastered the kama sutra, this one’s for you. Grab your partners hips and guide them into the Congress of the Cow position, then place a hot sizzle platter of chicken fajitas on the small of their back. Lay some soft corn tortillas on the base of their neck, then pour 1 ¼ cups salsa between their shoulder blades (fresh is best, but jarred is acceptable in a pinch). Assemble and eat the fajitas while gently gifting your lover your beefy chimichanga.
Published Februay 14, 2018
top photo: Flickr Creative Commons/Erik Forsberg
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Allison Robicelli is a D-list celebrity chef, best selling author, James Beard nominated writer, noted "difficult" woman and all-around good time. Follow her on Twitter @robicellis and visit her website www.robicellistudio.com.