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The 7 Worst Sex Toy Inventions Of 2017

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The sex industry almost always reflects what is happening in our society. Depending on the political climate, you can almost always find a toy manufacturer or porn director that can incorporate it into the product and do so quicker than any other industry in the world. Because sex toys can be developed, marketed, and sold quickly, they can be a thermometer for America's sexuality. Some companies, such as Dame Products, began discussion of the orgasm gap that women have experienced for generations, while other companies, such as Hustler, created headless torsos described as "horny holes that are desperate."

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The juxtaposition of sexuality in our society this past year made for a weird year in sex inventions. Like most years, when we see a level of oppression when it comes to sexuality — especially sexualities that are different from our heteronormative American culture — we end up seeing some pretty odd (and offensive) sex toys. Check out our picks for the weirdest ones from this past year.

 

1. Hustler's “Spread From Behind”

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Headless torso masturbators are probably one of the most disturbing trends in sex toys. These anatomically incorrect toys are intended to be a "lifelike" experience, but typically depict women’s bodies as just a few holes all squished together — a masturbation smorgasbord of options. If you spent five minutes looking at Amazon’s list of headless torso masturbators, you’d think women only have mouths when giving blowjobs.

Beyond the design element, the marketing on all the packaging that typically makes these toys even more disturbing. The Hustler “Spread From Behind” advertises, “this slut wants your cock in either hole.” Like 2017 politicians, Hustler found a way to display that women are just waiting for you to enter whatever hole is convenient.

2. Seduce Me Twin Climaxer

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The Seduce Me Twin Climaxer is like Steven Spielberg’s Jaws … but with sex toys. This shark-like vibrator is supposed to deliver a double bang for your buck. Unlike traditional vibrators, this one has split down the middle, meaning you can use it in multiple ways! Having shark bites on every erogenous zone is the sexual experience women are lusting after. Try to avoid anything that looks like it’s a prop from a ‘70s horror film.

 

3. Curve Novelties' Ride The Wave

 

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Whoever created Ride The Wave did so because they know women just want to ride a vibrating pickle. The Ride The Wave by Curve Novelties toy might be a bit futuristic and have an anime touch to it, but that is about all it has going for it. This vibrator is supposed to change temperature and provide easy positioning. Some advice: When something offers you too much for a low price, you know it can barely stand up to trial. If you can get it working and have enough battery juice to last an entire masturbation session, maybe you can make this worthwhile. However, getting past the fact this toy is a vibrating pickle is difficult.

 

4. Zero Tolerance Real Mouth Stroker

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Upping the ante when it comes to headless sex toys, the Real Mouth Stroker doesn’t even need a head to give head. An impressive and disgusting accomplishment. The Real Mouth Stroker is just a silicone mouth with a tongue rolled out like a red carpet. This toy says it provides an incredibly “lifelike throat and palate ridges.” Little did we know that palate ridges were an essential part of intimacy. The Real Mouth Stroker is designed to “give it’s user all the control at your fingertips.” This toy just demoralized the idea of women and turned them into a remote control for pleasure.
 

5. Pipedreams Comfortably Numb Anal Desensitizing Cream in Cinnamon

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Pipedreams upped the ante with the cinnamon challenge. This comfortably numb anal desensitizing cream is an icy hot mess. First, this flavored product is something you never want to ingest orally, which is a bit confusing because why else do you need it flavored? Second, the main ingredient is benzocaine, which is just oral-gel. So really, you are just pouring sugar and Oral Gel into your butt. Most importantly: anything numb during a sexual act is a safety issue.

6. Liquid Virgin

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Liquid Virgin: because how else should your lady's vagina come? This bottle of tightening lube was a total throwback to the ‘90s when we wondered which teen heartthrob star was still a virgin. This idea of idolizing virginity and vaginal tightness should just go away permanently. Products like this put a ton of chemicals into your body that has effects we still don’t fully understand. This vaginal tightening gel is intended for vaginal use, but Amazon is also selling it as an anal tightening gel and gives no justification why it can be used in both ways safely. Who knows what it will tighten tomorrow… 

Any product sold based off a societal shame associated around being a woman, aging, or sexual experiences are only peddling fear. This painfully ageist and sexist product category should e avoided at all costs. If you want to learn more about improving pelvic floor strength, invest in some Kegel exercise balls and find a pelvic floor training specialist.

7. The 6” Latin Bull

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In the sex toy industry, dildos are notorious for being racist. At a certain point, when it comes to phallic spears of silicone, the only thing that can set the product apart is its terrible storyline depicted on its packaging and based on its color. The Little Latin Bull keeps that tradition alive. This vibrating dildo includes a Puerto Rican flag in the corner for absolutely no reason. In Spanish, it also says it’s the “little bull with great pleasure and balls.” Like 2017, the 6’’ latin bull found a way to keep racial stereotypes alive and well.

 

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Alexis Thomas owns and operates Taboo Tabou a positive pleasure boutique that specializes in toys, lingerie, and pin up clothing. Before slinging sex toys for a living Alexis used to teach high school English. You can follow her on Instagram @tabootabou or at www.tabootabou.com

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