We're bringing you this Q&A from BUST's Sex section, featuring advice from sexlogist Dr. Carol Queen.
Question: I have a hard time having an orgasm unless I’m in a specific position: on top in backwards cowgirl on a penis or dildo. This was fine when I was dating men, but now I have a girlfriend and am having difficulty coming from oral or from her fingers. I’m afraid to ask her to incorporate sex toys in our budding relationship. Is there something we can do or something I can do to enjoy fingerbanging more? – Cowardly Cowgirl
Sexologist Dr. Carol Queen: First, I want to encourage you to talk to your partner about toys for one specific reason: There is no one way that you’re supposed to come, and speaking about your real sexual response takes your sex life out of the realm of belief and into the realm of fact. It means it will be easier in the future to bring up ideas and talk through everything from possibilities to dilemmas. It means your own sexuality is what you bring to bed with her, not a faux version. And she gets to take one more step into intimacy with you, and more broadly, into understanding that sexual response is varied.
Now, there is a really specific thing about the position you described as the one that works for you — it involves a lot of movement on your part, and specifically, thrusting. Rhythmic muscle tension and release is part of the orgasmic response, and some people don’t come successfully if they can’t thrust or move. But for people who are “movers,” lying there while their partners lick or finger bang may be the furthest thing from orgasmic. If you are going to enjoy fingers alone, you might need to find a way to do it while you move. See whether your partner will try this with you: She lies on her back with her hand between her legs, fingers at the ready. You do your favorite maneuver, but with her fingers instead of a dildo or a dick. She gets an awesome view of your ass, and you hopefully get off. (If she were wearing a dildo, she could do other things with her hands.)
Here’s another thing to consider. Unless you or she is giving your clitoris extra attention, the fingers aren’t optimally stimulating you. This is the specific reason that lesbian and bisexual women have a higher likelihood of reaching orgasm than heterosexual women — vaginal thrusting alone isn’t enough for most women. Even if you are the exception to that rule, add some clit stimulation during the fingering sessions unless you actively don’t like clitoral touch. Make sure you are highly aroused before she even starts. Finger banging is not foreplay.
If you’re worrying about whether you’re going to come during fingering, stop thinking (except about super-sexy things) and start moving your pelvis at least a little. You’re a mover, and movers gotta move!
Carol Queen's latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.
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Top photo: Broad City/Comedy Central
This article originally appeared in the August/September 2017 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!
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