samantha the look 01 1024Sex & the City

“So, then, I’m leaving his apartment this morning, and he says, ‘I didn’t think you were a first date kind of girl.’”

My best friend and I were having breakfast at a diner after she had a fun night out. She had been talking to Jacob for a week on a dating app when he asked her out for drinks. They met up. She liked him. He invited her back to his apartment. She met his dog. She stayed over, and she had sex with him. That’s what lead him to express his surprise that she was a “first date kind of girl.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“The kind of girl who has sex on the first date,” she said. I still didn’t get it.

“What kind of girl is that?”

“You know, the kind of girl who just has sex on the first date.” Her addition of the word “just” helped me a little, but I still needed clarity.

“But what kind of girl is that?” I asked again, getting frustrated.

“You know what I mean! The kind of girl who has sex on the first date!”

I knew what she meant. She thought he was calling her loose. Free at best, slutty at worst. The assessment of what kind of person — oh, whoops, I mean “girl” — she is based on one choice she made irked me. Well, it irked me at best, enraged me at worst. Here’s why:

What does that EVEN mean?

What does it tell about her character that a woman chose to have sex on the first date? Jacob didn’t elaborate on his statement, but fear not, I’ve thought it over. What it tells me about her (my friend, or any lady who makes this choice, with a guy or with another lady) is that she was attracted to that person. It tells me that she wanted to have sex. It tells me that she is comfortable with her sexuality, and confident in herself. It tells me that she makes her own choices, and that she is a human with basic human needs.

There is no “first date kind of guy.”

We all know this is not even close to being a thing.

Our sexual choices do not define us.

The phrase “first date kind of girl” implies that you can tell who a woman is, wholly and all around, based on this decision. However, this is not a system we use to decide what kind of people we are. That is because having sex with someone is not a matter of right and wrong. It’s like deciding to have ice cream or pie, to go to the museum or to the park, to buy an apartment or a condo. It indicates nothing other than preference and certainly does not tell what “kind” of people we are.

Don’t you judge my friend.

Hey. If you’re judging my friend after knowing her for one night, I will find you, and I will strap you down and tell you why she is the most amazing human you’ve ever met. And how you are so freaking lucky she decided to have sex with you. And you are so freaking lucky that you got drinks with her, because your IQ went up simply from being around her. And how you are so freaking lucky that she was nice to your dog, because she’s not super great with animals. I will list her perfections until you get how above your judgments she is.

Sex: it’s good.

Here’s something! Women like to have sex. We are taught from a young age (well, I was anyway) that men are after one thing, and that we are to guard it from them for as long as possible. This discounts the fact that women are also after that thing! Women enjoy sex. Women want to have sex. As long as it’s safe and between two consenting adults, women get to have sex when they want to have it.

So ladies, go forth, have sex on the 1st date. Have sex on the 15th date. Have sex on the 20th minute of knowing someone, because that’s what you gotta do that night. This choice does not define you.


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Alexandra Lenihan is an actor who writes and a writer who draws. Her other work can be seen on her website, She is currently implementing her plan for world domination by lifting up other talented, smart, and strong women and working with them. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram and she'd love to be your friend.

Tags: dating , sex , misogyny

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