A Response To '50 Ways To Get Out Of Sex For When You Just Don’t Feel Like It'


Dear Total Sorority Move,

What should I say to someone I don’t want to fuck who wants to fuck me?

I follow you on Twitter — well, I *followed* you on Twitter — and came across your sex post disaster, titled, “50 Ways To Get Out Of Sex For When You Just Don’t Feel Like It.” I scrolled through to discover how I should go about accomplishing the latter.

Your informative narrative offered up a number of different options. You told me I could cry, play dead, jump out of a window, wear my period panties, quote Harry Potter during foreplay, or fake amnesia. If none of the aforementioned worked to discourage my sexual partner and justify my not wanting to have sex, I could fake an emergency, pretend to secretly be a mother, falsify an STD, explain in detail my most recent therapy session, or make sure to leave my body as unshaven and hairy as possible.

Where do I begin, TSM? You’ve given me the most dreadful and angry headache.

First of all, the Harry Potter franchise is, in fact, sexy. My cry face is adorable (debatable according to some). There will be no jumping out of any windows for me unless I absolutely have to for whatever crazy reason, but preferably that reason will not be unwanted sex. Unshaven legs do not make me unfuckable. STDs and motherhood are not matters to be lied about. If I play dead, TSM, they might fuck me anyway. Period panties are just as sexy as any other kind of panty. I look hot as hell in period panties — they’re panties and I’m almost naked and that’s all that matters. 

I’d like to point out that I once was a fan of your site, TSM. For the most part. I was in a sorority in college and therefore think most of your content is funny and entertaining — I’ve retweeted and liked and screenshotted plenty of your posts — albeit generally poorly written and terribly stereotyped posts. Memes and short essays about drinking too much tequila, skipping class to tailgate, hooking up with your ex’s roommate. It’s alright stuff most of the time. I’m not so tightly wound as to not enjoy some good shallow shit every now and then.

Unlike that good shallow shit I enjoy every now and then, however, I read a lot of online articles about sex. Because quality articles about sex written especially for females are interesting and important and helpful, no? But, TSM, your article is none of those things.

Your article about 50 elaborate excuses to give someone I don’t want to fuck who wants to fuck me is absolute garbage.

Your article offended and angered me more than any other piece of sexual content I have read on the internet, ever. As you can imagine — because I am both a writer and editor and avid reader and specifically so very interested in sex and women and feminism — that is saying a lot. A lot of a lot. Maybe I’m being dramatic. But that’s okay and beside my point. Your article is a ridiculous clusterfuck of a girl-sex-abomination. That being said, let me get to the real point.


And the real point is this: If you don’t want to have sex with someone, you don’t have to tell them why.
Your obligations to them are nothing. You don’t owe them anything: not an explanation, or an apology (oh, especially not a goddamn apology), not an excuse of a few fake sentences, not even a goodbye-see-you-later accompanied with a soft smile. You don’t have to provide a reason as to why you don’t want to open your legs and let them inside you. Say no and leave. Or say no and stay. Say no and just be.

This isn’t about the lying. It’s okay to lie sometimes. This isn’t about the half-ass laughable excuses you’ve provided. Those are maybe an attempt at comedy, although comedy in very poor taste. This is about what you are telling the girls. And what you are telling the girls is that their No is not good enough. That their No is not valid and strong and cannot stand on its own. That it cannot bear the weight of their self-worth that’s pressing down so heavy on their tongue. That they must justify their refusal.

What other times will her No not be good enough?

When her boss asks her to wear that sexy pencil skirt to the office? When her date pushes the third martini to her lips and their hand to her coat’s zipper? When her partner slams another hole into the wall after she tries to leave for the second time with their baby and her self-respect and what’s left of her quality of life? When they tell her over and over that she is not smart and good and capable and ready and important?

The thing I maybe hate the most is that I understand where you’re coming from, TSM. I get it, fully, in the sick and twisted and unfair way this can only be understood. Because a long time ago I used to be a girl who — out of anxious naivety and disrespect for my own self-worth and lack of courage in general — would have most definitely said I was on my period in order to avoid sex. I didn’t want to make myself look like anything less than a cool-sexy-fun-girl. By doing so, I was disregarding my own truth. I didn’t think my No was good enough. If I could go back and bonk that girl on the head with a fist full of love and rage, oh how I would bonk her so hard. Lying to others and lying to yourself is the ultimate cop-out. Yes, faking it is so much easier than being real. But it’s terrifically more damaging.

And now TSM, so many of your girl readers — girls who are equally anxious and naïve and unaware of their self-worth and lacking courage and in need of bonks on their heads as I once was — are being told their truth and their sexuality do not go together. They want to be cool-sexy-fun-girls. They don’t know how to be real yet.

So, what should they say to someone they don’t want to fuck who wants to fuck them?

They should say only what they have to. And all they have to say is No. Say No and leave. Say No and stay. Say No and just be.

They need to know their No is good enough. It’s valid and strong and can stand on its own. It can bear the weight of their self-worth that’s pressing down so heavy on their tongue. Their No is more than good enough. Their No is everything.

Cut the bullshit, TSM. I hope everyone does as I did and unfollows you on Twitter.


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Tags: sex , consent , open letter

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