Vulva Contour

Have you ever had the desire to contour your vag? Douse it in shimmering bronzer? No? TBH, me neither. Something tells me that putting makeup anywhere near my treasure trove is far from healthy. But, if you have had that desire, hear ye, hear ye, it's your lucky day! Popular lingerie and sex toy brand, Ann Summers, announced on social media that they'll be live-streaming a “vontouring” tutorial video on Facebook. 

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The initial tweet was not well-received. Though some responses were comedic, the majority of Ann Summers' Twitter following pounced on the brand, accusing them of perpetuating self-loathing and genital shame. 

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See what I mean? People are #pissed, and rightfully so, or at least you would think as much. I was mad, too, and then I tuned into the live-stream video to get the deets. It turns out that the joke is on all of us — despite the misleading photo of the makeup bag and brushes, “vontouring” has nothing to do with makeup. No one is sticking a $30 brush up their vagina (thank God). Rather, what the brand is referring to as “vontouring” is nothing more than a poorly executed advertisement for their new line of sex toys that, supposedly, will result in the best orgasm of your life. I can’t testify to the truth of these claims — I haven’t used the toys — but, if anything, the obnoxiously deceitful ad is pulling in major traffic. 

A few hours after the original tweet, Ann Summers decided to clear the air, and confirmed, to everyone's relief, that "no makeup brushes were harmed in the making of this video." 

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Images via Twitter 

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An excessively queer Aquarius with a LOT of opinions. Things I'm passionate about include, but are not limited to: writing (duh), my pet bunnies/animals in general, LGBTQIA+ issues, Sleater-Kinney, massive helpings of spaghetti, RuPaul's Drag Race, tacky horror movies, never shutting up about astrology/how gay I am, et cetera. 

Feel free to reach out to me on social media!

Instagram: poptartdaddy

Twitter: @Derickidontcare

Email: gdiekho@gmail.com 

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