I adore Christmas music. It’s a good thing I do, since I have ears and I’ve been known to turn on the radio/watch television/enter retail stores in the months of November and December. I love holiday songs of almost every stripe: classic, indie, dog bark-y, the list goes on. There’s just one kind I cannot hang with: “sexy.”

Sexy—and I mean “sexy” in quotes, all shiny and red like a maraschino cherry—has an awkward place in holiday music. I’ve heard multiple drunken holiday-party conversations in which people recount the first time they realized how confusing and gross “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is, or debate whether the lyrics to “Baby It’s Cold Outside” sound like a prelude to sexual assault. As for me, my absolute least favorite will-drive-me-from-a-room song is Madonna’s version of “Santa Baby.” To quote my five-year-old niece, upon first hearing Madonna channel Betty Boop as she begs Santa for luxury items: “Is this a little girl?” 

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The brilliant minds behind Community know what I’m talking about [SAVE GREENDALE]:

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