ghostbusters-iii

I don’t dislike this new Ghostbusters movie because they’re all women, that’s silly and ridiculous. I can’t believe that’s even a question, with my history. I mean, my mom and sisters are all women and I know them, so how could I dislike other women that are not them? It doesn’t make any sense and, frankly, it’s below the belt. I mean, how dare you?

I hate the new Ghostbusters movie because my number one issue when judging a film is and has always been Hollywood finance reform. And frankly, I’m tired of all big blockbuster movies. The movie system is corrupt and I think we need to put our foot down, right now specifically in 2016, to put a stop to this new Ghostbusters movie as a signal that we’re done with all big Hollywood blockbusters. And if you don’t agree with me, well, maybe you need to stop buying movie tickets with your vagina.

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If you’re actually looking for an honest movie with integrity about ghosts, check out Abbott and Costello’s 1941 classic Hold That Ghost which, actually, does more for female movie leads than the new Ghostbusters movie ever will. No, there aren’t any female leads in the movie and the movie never really bothers to bring up any issues that would be of concern to female leads, but it’s also rarely voted against female lead issues, so… that’s even better than providing female leadership, in a way.

2078668 jpg"Hold That Ghost" (AKA the best movie ever)

And yes, so far people of color don’t seem to be excited about or interested in watching 1941’s Hold That Ghost in movie theaters this summer, but that’s just because they’re not informed enough about how much they’d enjoy Hold That Ghost. The plot of the movie hinges on hidden finances, which as we all know, encapsulates and trumps all issues of race and gender and discrimination of any kind. I wish people of color that have expressed interest in seeing this new Ghostbusters weren’t going against their best interests. I have a picture of an important, famous black guy standing near a theater playing Hold That Ghost if you need more proof that this is a cut and dry issue. Why are we even still talking about this?

If the movie theater system wasn’t rigged, then maybe more people would be educated about how great Hold That Ghost actually is. I called up several movie theaters recently and they said they had no plans to show it in their theaters? WHAT. I thought this was America. They said they wouldn’t be opposed to showing Hold That Ghost for some private screenings, but so far not many people have requested for it to be shown there, so unless the numbers look better, they won’t be showing it. But, everyone I know and like supports the idea of Hold That Ghost for playing at our local cinemas this summer! The world isn’t bigger than the people I know!

szrye08t5s6gfphqdg9jA classic and moving film, "Hold That Ghost"

And the people I know, we all mostly agree, it’s either Hold That Ghost or NOTHING. We think the movie theaters should shut down if they’re not going to play Hold That Ghost. Yeah, we know some people get food and go to the bathroom at movie theaters, but if they’re going to play the new female Ghostbusters, that’s just as bad as showing Faces of Death 7 in our opinions! And those two things are so similar and interchangeable that I won’t bother showing or telling you why. That’s not good enough? Here’s a picture of a Bridesmaids DVD and a Faces of Death 7 VHS standing next to each other on the SAMESHELF.

This new movie Ghostbusters reminds me of the movie Ghost from the ‘90s and now that we’re not in the ‘90s I’ve decided I don’t like the movie Ghost. I’m going to say that Ghostbusters is the same as Ghost and hold Ghostbusters responsible for the things I don’t like about Ghost.

ghost-tv-showGhost (a bad movie)

Of course, we’re ready for a comedy-action movie with female leads. And of course, we’re overdue… but I think we need to wait for the RIGHT new Ghostbusters movie, not just ANY Ghostbusters movie. The women in the new Ghostbusters movie have a lot of good comedy experience, yes, of course. But over the last 20 years, I can find a few examples of them not being funny, especially when you take those moments out of context.

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Now, if Elizabeth Warren and Jill Stein and Michelle Obama make a new Ghostbusters in a hypothetical four or eight years from now, I could get behind that idea. That vague notion that wouldn’t hold up under any scrutiny for a variety of reasons is CLEARLY a better option than this new Ghostbusters movie made by competent people that's seemingly ready to be shown any minute now.

I also know a couple women who would agree with me on the things I’m saying, so again, I think that proves I’m not sexist or misogynist. This new Ghostbusters movie just isn’t for me and I think everything should be for me. Will this movie just existing inspire young women to get involved with making their own Ghostbusters movies at the state and local theater levels? I don’t know, is representation in media and government even important?

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Listen, I’m getting distracted. When it comes down to it, this has nothing to do with misogyny or sexism or even this new Ghostbusters movie. This is about 1941’s Hold That Ghost coming along and speaking to me in a way I’ve never been spoken to; this is a once in a generation film. And it’s cool. No, really, I really think that! This old black and white movie is cool and I don’t dislike women or hold any weird hidden prejudices against them, I’m just really excited about this old movie a lot of people have seen before.

(Since apparently we do need to say this — this is satire.)

This post originally appeared on Timothy McSweeney's Internet Tendency and has been reprinted with permission. 

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Samuel Priest is a comedian living in Chicago, Illinois with two gross roommates and his cat Patricia.  He'll be hosting at the Chicago Comedy Bar June 30th - July 2nd. Follow him at SamuelPriestIsNOTARealtor.com and Twitter @TheSamuelPriest 

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