This following is a satire about the importance we continue to have on traditional gender roles. The piece does not reflect my personal history of planing a wedding (love you, mom and dad).
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! We know planning a Lesbian wedding can be challenging, no doubt. With two women making all the decisions, it can be hard to agree on anything. So many ideas to talk through! At How to Plan a Lesbian Wedding, we have spent over two years researching and interviewing Lesbian brides and their families all over the United States. We then crunched the data and compiled our findings into this easy to follow guide. We hope this information makes the process and planning of your big day as simple and stress-free as your coming out experience.
*If you are the parent of a Lesbian bride and have accidentally purchased this guide instead of the appropriate copy, Great News, You Don't Have To Foot the Entire Bill For Your Daughter's Wedding: How To Plan a Lesbian Wedding: A Parent Guide to Making Everyone Comfortable on this Most Precious Day, give us a call and we will rush deliver you the correct copy. This copy will be yours to keep, free of charge!
Section I: Formalwear
Decide who will be wearing what as soon as possible. We've found that this is the first question parents, close friends, and most strangers will ask when they find out you’re newly engaged. When telling other people about your formalwear decisions, make sure to explain the rationale behind your choice. The majority of people will easily understand your formalwear choices if you go with the most conventional approach: one of you wearing a tuxedo and one of you wearing a dress. However, our research showed that people need further explanation if both of you decide on wearing a tuxedo, or if both of you are planning on wearing dresses. Assure others that the clothing choices you two are making on this one special day will be a representation of how you will view yourselves within your marriage. Make sure they understand the lasting impact this formalwear will have on your relationship.
Section II: The Ceremony
Take the time to establish who will walk down the aisle first. This is pivotal and holds overwhelming significance for your guests. Also, it was discovered that many parents of lesbian brides are anxious to know whether their daughter is the bride or the groom. In fact, it was noted that many parents have carried around this anxiety for years. Letting parents know who is walking into the ceremony first will assist in alleviating this stress once and for all.
*If walking down the aisle is not part of your ceremony, see Appendix A for other ceremony entrance ideas that will ensure both family and guests understand who has taken on the bride and groom roles.
Quick Tip: Whoever is the designated groom should always go first for whichever traditions your ceremony calls for: stomping the glass, filling the Unity Candle with sand, jumping the broom, sipping on the blood of Christ, etc. Making sure the designated groom consistently goes first will keep guests from experiencing any unnecessary confusion and discomfort.
Section III: Gifts (AKA charitable donations)
Lezgethitched.org: This is a wonderful place for guests to give a monetary donation in lieu of gifts. It's been found that not every Lesbian wedding guest feels comfortable directly donating to Planned Parenthood or The Center. This website allows couples to create a list of 3-7 charities allowing guests to have the ability to choose where they wish to donate which is something everyone can feel good about.
JuiceBank.com: This website is an innovative and interactive way to start saving for all your future pregnancy treatments. From the creators of HoneyFund, it's user-friendly and allows guests to purchase specific aspects of your fertility treatments. Guests can donate to a variety of treatments. Examples are contributing $50 towards egg retrieval, a $75 gift to help to gain legal rights to the entirety of a sperm donation, and making a $100 contribution for a round of insemination. Friends and loved ones delight in feeling as if they will be an intimate part of your future family-making process.
Section IV: Miscellaneous
Locate an experienced animal trainer. Your local SPCA should have a list. You will likely want your fur baby to act as your ring bearer, or participate in some form on your special day. Depending on your pet’s temperament and agility, you may also want him to bear witness and sign off on your marriage certificate or Ketubah.
After tedious research, it has been determined that in order to keep both fathers emotionally intact, flipping a coin to see which dad should give the first toast boasted the best results. Picking a name out of hat came in at a close second. Just make sure this decision is made completely on a chance experience and not an emotionally thought-out process.
We hope you found this guide helpful, and we wish you all the best on your journey to creating your perfect Lesbian wedding.
*Still need more help? Other guides for purchase include:
How To Plan The Perfect Lesbian Wedding: On A Budget
How To Plan The Perfect Lesbian Wedding: Ensuring The Smallest Carbon Footprint
How To Plan The Perfect Lesbian Wedding: Farm To Table Edition
How To Plan The Perfect Lesbian Wedding: A Guide For The Couple Who Is Secretly Atheist
How To Plan The Perfect Lesbian Wedding: A Guide For Practicing Yogis Who Are Not Vegan
How To Plan The Perfect Lesbian Wedding: Dairy-Free Edition
How To Plan The Perfect Lesbian Wedding: A Guide For Couples With Grandparents Who Still Believe You’re Roommates
Top photo: Plasticsmith
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Samantha is the author of Putting Out: Essays on Otherness. She regularly contributes to BUST. Reach out: firstname.lastname@example.org