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A Day In The Life Of A Succulent

 Plant Green Jade Plant Leaf Kitchen Small 1772109 ca3d0

The millennial icon gives us a behind the scenes look into terracotta, meditation, and Instagram photoshoots. 

6AM: Every day I wake up to the smell of fresh coffee. This is because I live in the windowsill of Foam, a coffee/bookshop by day and a gallery/performance venue with an expired liquor license by night. Sometimes, there will be a vintage toy or medical device on sale, ‘cause why not? It’s a wacky place. It reminds me of Pee Wee’s Playhouse, but with a lease. This morning, the light was casting a glow over the early 20th century cash register. I watched Zaxx, the owner, wiping down the counter and then plugging in the iPad, which is used for all debit/credit transactions since most people don't use cash anymore.

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6:30AM: Once a month, I have a protein shake for breakfast. Not only is it good for me, it helps my leaves stay thick and shiny. You basically mix water and fertilizer into a teaspoon. I very much recommend. A little goes a long way, so I really don’t like to use too much because it could kill me. Seriously, I could literally drown. That’s also why I prefer wearing terracotta. It absorbs the excess moisture. Basking in the sun as my soil soaks up the nutrients and water is a beautiful way to start the day.

8:30AM: I have a series of spiritual exercises that I do every day. After some light yoga while the sun is still rising, I meditate using a mantra. Everyone has their own mantra. Mine is “Always look towards the light.”

9AM: After my meditation, I do my mindfulness practice and observe every single customer that visits. I wish all of them peace and send love and light. Nothing says good vibes like a jade plant.

11AM: I work out periodically for several hours. My workout routine is simple. I extend my leaves depending on the location of the sun.

1PM: Sometimes I’ll have impromptu photoshoots. I can’t lie. I look really cute next to a latte, an open book, and a candle. I don’t have a personal Instagram, but apparently, I’m a pretty big deal on the platform. I guess you could call me an influencer. A muse, they say. Designers like to use me for all sorts of inspiration: décor, fashion, lifestyle, etc. I’m a living, breathing Anthropologie concept.

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4PM: I do a lot of people-watching. It’s always interesting to see who comes in for their second or third beverage of the day. You should see people when we’re out of oat milk. You should see people when there’s a copy of Infinite Jest on sale for 89 cents. This place is magic.

6PM: We’re closed now. It’s time to get ready for the event this evening. Tonight it’s a wine and painting party taught by a Bob Ross impersonator, and I get to play model again! I’m escorted to a table in the center of the room, and I meet my fellow models: a Santa Claus ornament, a copy of A Clockwork Orange, a lit candle in a chamberstick holder, and a few crayons. We’re posing in front of this black chiffon backdrop. There’s a nice ambience.

8PM: Bob Ross reincarnate has begun the lesson. The colors being used for this evening’s lesson are alizarin crimson, sap green, midnight black, yellow ochre, and titanium white. Everyone is amused. His instructions reflect nice sentiments. I like it when he says, “There are no mistakes, just happy accidents,” and “Let’s get a little crazy here.” It’s fun playing the “happy little tree.”

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10PM: It’s time to close up shop for the evening. I’m tucked back into my windowsill. Zaxx cleans up the chairs. It looks as if the party never happened. Foam is a clean slate for a new day/evening of coffee/art/performance/who knows? My presence is the only constant. Whether it's a "Make Your Own CBD-Infused Toothbrush" class, or whether someone wants to donate 300 Beanie Babies “because it seemed like the right time,” I will be there taking it all in. Just please don’t water me, for the love of god.

Header photo via Creative Commons; other photos via author

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Hi there! I’m a comedian, writer and actress living in New York City. I’m the only person to have a subscription to Nickelodeon Magazine without access to the Nickelodeon channel. My favorite movie is George Of The Jungle. Follow me on Twitter and Instagram @stonecoldvolpe and check out my website francescavolpe.com for more of my writing and silly videos! 

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