I think I'm about to say what everyone's thinking—Donny sort of dropped the ball yesterday when choosing Mike Pence for a running mate. To be fair, Trump could have chosen Ruth Bader Ginsburg and we still wouldn't be voting for him, but I don’t think I am alone in saying we were expecting someone a little flashier. Trump deviated from the Kardashian-style campaign trail he's been running by not choosing someone that would light the headlines on fire. Don't get me wrong, Pence is cut from the same straightjacket as Trump.
Pence and his policies are as awful as he is unheard of. If you aren't familiar with his handiwork, Pence is arguably most notorious for signing a Religious Freedom Bill into law in 2015 that protected business owners who didn't want to participate in same-sex weddings, if they cited their religious beliefs. In addition, he opposed federal funding that would support treatment for people suffering from HIV/AIDS, resisted changes to hate-crime laws, and opposed the repeal of 'Don't Ask. Don't Tell'. The swell guy also signed into law one of the strictest abortion laws in the nation, opposed allowing Syrian refugees to settle in Indiana, voted to repeal gun control laws in Washington, D.C., receiving an A rating from the NRA who has long supported his political career according to The New York Times, and wants to increase military spending. Yup, the melted orange crayon somehow managed to choose someone as unlikable as he is. So for fun, we created a list of running mates/henchmen that would have made Trump more likeable than this fool.
What Trump lacks in chins, Coulter makes up for two-fold. Both conservatives have similar methods of shock and awe to gain attention. Not to mention, it would have been classic Trump to find a tall blonde to stand next to him, and get the credit for putting the first female in the oval office when he gets assassinated. She was also a fervent Trump supporter up until yesterday, saying the choice to choose Pence was Trump’s "first mistake." (as in not her?)
This would have totally worked. If it’s headlines he’s after, it would have been headlines he got. This world is so goddamn weird already, and if Trump is president we will be in this strange dystopian society anyway, so this would make a lot of sense. Sheen also gives Trump's hand movements a run for his money and Sheen has flipped-flopped in his support of Trump saying at first "'Trump you're a sad & silly homunculus, your words as poignant as a sack of cat farts. You're a shame pile of idiocy." He then changed his mind when there was a chance of being his running mate, tweeting "...If Trump will hv me I'd be his VP in a heartbeat! #TrumpSheen16.”
The puppet from Saw
Trump as president would be nothing short of a horror movie and a lot of Bernie followers feel the choice between Hillary and Trump is similar to the choice Jigsaw gave his victims: Die or cut off your own foot to survive. Trump already treats the campaign like "a little game". Just imagine, addressing the nation would look like this.
Marty Wolf from Big Fat Liar
Orange hair? Check. Writing your name all over everything in large letters? Check. I wouldn’t be surprised if the character of Marty Wolf was written with Trump in mind. He lies, cheats, steals and only listens to music with the word 'wolf' in it to pump him up. Plus their skin tones are complimentary on the color wheel and might even out to a nice shade of grey that would be easier on our eyes.
A blind follower who won't steal focus from Trump and would sacrifice his hand to get Trump in power. Any time I can make a comparison between Trump and Voldemort it's a good day. Not to mention I would bet everything that more than 7 people have died to get Trump where he is. The only problem is Voldemort had a soul to split, Trump doesn’t.
The ghost of Fred Phelps (Westboro Baptist guy)
Mike Pence might be one step up from Fred Phelps, miiiiiiight. His stance on LGBT rights echoes that of Phelps. I think if this guy was alive Trump would have chosen Phelps over Pence. He is going hard for that conservative vote. The benefits to having a ghost as your VP, they're already dead so there is no chance of getting assassinated.
Trunchbull from Matilda
She runs a tight ship. She's corrupt and gets other corrupt people to sign up to follow her dictatorship. Plus, she knows how to throw people over fences/borders. Trump approved.
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Courtney Bissonette is a New York based writer and improv comedienne. She writes primarily about movies, pop cultures and feminist heroes. She gets along best with old people. She has seen more old movies than your grandma, probably. Salt from Salt n Pepa once took her Trick'r Treating. You can follow her on instagram at @gddamnitcourtney or twitter @courttette