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Sometimes denial is easier than embracing the sobering reality that a woman’s sexuality and autonomy is not her own, rather, that she is permitted to have it depending on the company she keeps. My denial over this fact wraps around me like a warm blanket and I feel safe in my privilege for a while...until a story like this comes out and I realize how much work there is to do.

Yesterday, a minor news story broke that Saudi millionaire Ehsan Abdulaziz (pictured above) was acquitted of a rape that occurred at his London apartment last August. The excuse he used to clear himself? That he tripped, and his penis fell into her vagina. This is not an exaggeration. His hearing was scheduled at Southwark Crown Court in London.

As heard at the trial proceedings, an 18-year-old and her 24-year-old friend met Abdulaziz at a London nightclub, Cirque le Soil, where he invited them to join him at his £1,000-per-night table. According to Abdulaziz’s testimony, he later offered them a ride home in his Aston Martin, back to his apartment to drink vodka and sleep off the evening. Sounds like a pretty rad evening. But as it often happens with entitled assholes who believe a woman’s body is a fair exchange for an evening of luxury, unbeknownst to them, their evening had strings attached. Abdulaziz and the 24-year-old retreated to his room for sexual relations, and the 18-year-old, who slept on the couch, awoke to him penetrating her the following morning.

Abdulaziz claims that the 18-year-old was attempting to seduce him. That she pulled him onto her by the back of the neck, that he fell with his penis out and semen still on his hands from the sexual encounter with her friend. Traces of Abdulaziz’s DNA were found inside of her. As ridiculous as this soundsthe likes of which could be compared to “I smoked pot but I didn’t inhale,”the jury took only 30 minutes to rule in favor of Abdulaziz’s innocence.

The disturbing legal precedent set here is that it is perfectly reasonable for a man to be completely erect, regardless of sexual arousal, and accidently fall into a sleeping woman’s vagina. Why anyone would need to point out the absurdity of this verdict further, I don’t know. It seems clear. But the jury appears to be composed of simple-minded persons who think this defense is a viable excuse for violating another person’s body. Vaginas are like mud puddles, you could be walking down the street googling “accidental rape” and not realize that your dick had accidentally stepped into one. “Whoops!”  

What is most troubling about this case is the implicit argument that it is feasible for men to have no control over their ability to rape or not rapea very real concern for other men’s buttholes as well. This case implies that because a woman was sleeping on his couch, and he fell onto her with his dick out, that he just couldn’t help himself. “Well, I’m here, might as well go all the way.” Abdulaziz is not stupid, no one is that stupid. He has enough sense to manage millions in wealth but cannot handle the responsibility of accommodating someone’s personal boundaries? Maybe that’s the problem, he is entitled to everything, even other people. The jury supposedly thinks so too, and where wealth can’t buy common sense, it surely can buy a slap on the wrist.

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Critically-acclaimed author of bathroom literature, Help! I’m In Ghost Hell and How To Cheat People Out Of Money By Buying This Book, Anastasia (aka Z-Bam) is what some people might call a quintuple threat. A classically-trained kazooist, radio host, expert sneezer, music writer and cheese patriot, Ana has been doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’ it well since 1990. “And she just keeps on doin’ it!,” says strange woman and unsuspecting mother of Ana, “She just won’t give it a rest already.” Aside from things she does to forage for food, Ana also enjoys: food, cheese, ice cream, dairy, lactaid tablets, irony, and proposing to people she doesn't know just-in-case one of them is an undercover millionaire. Get a show-stopping glimpse of Ana’s in-person talents by tuning-in to her latest television program, Why Does That Person Keep Looking At Me?.
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